whatcholookin@

i....

2005-07-12T07:17:00.000-07:00

live for a wonderful God....

i have been going through some changes.... if i don't return, blogging is one of those changes....

stay up

the reason...

2005-06-26T16:28:00.000-07:00

The reason for me.... for me living, laughing, wishing plotting, punching punk niccas in the face, hoping etc. it is the little things. i was sitting with my legs crossed and i had Grant sitting on the floor right beside me playing with his leap frog games and he did the cutest thing. I'm swinging my leg vigorously out of sheer anxiety because I need a mother effing job, and he takes hold of my foot and starts to hug it with both arms tightly against his chest. He then looks at the tattoo near my left ankle and starts scratching wildly like it was self adhesive printed artwork. I yelp from being startled and that just prompts him to continue to scratch until the artwork is either gone or bloody. He is my Grant jan.

okay, now for the gritty.... I'm going for my bi annual std check up... Got to make sure there are no uninvited guess up in my box... or anywhere else for that matter. I just started this ritual recently because this need to be made a habit.... I'm not one for surprises anyway so this actually works out in my favor. I took tomorrow off to make sure they have time to check for e'rry damn thing... plus diseases they haven't even named yet.... I want them to run down a list of sexually transmitted diseases and check yes or no... None of that complicated shit like they do now... They give you eight pages of medical paper work,...Front and back... And the dang results are somewhere in between. It is like a painful 16 page search through medical terminology that is pretty much irrelevant and finally you just ask the damn doctor to just show you where it states your status. He then puts on his glasses and fingers through the paper work (because he too, has no idea why they have 16 pages of bullshit that answers one lone closed-end question) all the while you are looking over his shoulder waiting to either piss your pants or slip him the tongue... . And then he tells you, here it is.... And he points to a word....The word... In a twelve sentence paragraph on page 7...The exact page in which you lost your patients... Your heart starts beating ten beats per second....You swallow once, hold your breath... Retrieve the 8 pages... Stapled....From Dr. Kahn, gasp and read the results... Finally you are able to ...

well, why don't you all go and find out....

BTW, boo to them damn spurs. They suck rabid dog ass.

ciao

B = Bold, I = Italic, S = Publish, D = Draft

2005-06-21T06:59:00.000-07:00

I ain’ got nothing to talk about. Nothing has been going on. *crickets* but I’m excited about the casual dress down day on Friday here at daily hell. No that isn’t my corporation’s name but it should be. We are mandated to dress in business attire everyday meaning shirt tie jacket for men, closed-toe shoes, stockings and blazers for women. This is everyday, including Fridays, including the summer months. Some how someone here was able to screw the building manager, literally, and he agreed to one solitary day out of the year to let us dress in ‘smart’ business casual. Best believe, I have my outfit ready…. My silk gauchos, silk tank top and some funky sandals….I’m going to savor the hell out of this day.

I was watching a television show, The Scholar, last night and was finally impressed with the reality show bit. Reality TV as narcissistic as it is … has been so gag-worthy popular, I have given up television. But in the Scholar, you have these kids who are battling for a full ride to a university of their choice. There is only one winner but there are $50M scholarships given away courtesy Wal-Mart after each individual challenge. There isn’t infighting or bickering and squabbling or manipulation or any of the dumb ass shit…. just kids are who do not want to burden their parents with the cost of their college education, to succeed in whatever profession they have chosen, to basically excel and learn even more in the process. I’m effing impressed.

Told yall I didn't have ish to talk about. :/

love 101

2005-06-13T12:35:00.000-07:00

Woke up in another funky ass mood. Grant decided he didn’t want to sleep through the night and not should i since he is the center of my life....he woke me up with his 'dadadadadada' a quarter til 4 am when my behind didn’t have to be up until 6 am and I didn’t go to bed until 1 am. It is hard. Sometimes I need a straight break but there is no break in motherhood. You just roll with every punch and hope that you don't loose you damn mind in the process

So, I’m single again. I feel sought of relieved for many reasons. He lived too far. I live in the Bronx, him in Brooklyn and any one who knows or live in new york city knows that right there is far. Also, I was feeling guilty for not spending as much time as I could with Grant but in a relationship I wasn’t sure I wanted to be in from jump....and that didn't make any damn sense then nor now. And finally, dude has unresolved issues that should have been dealt with when he was 18. I have one child to raise not two. We are still friends and he still tries to holla even though I tell him his efforts are in vain. I didn’t learn a damn thing from this one….well, just that trust is a virtue that not everyone deserves and should be dispersed sparingly. I also learned that I have a tolerance level that could have only been adorned by God himself. He is my alpha and omega.

Sidenote: why are celebrities’ feet tore the hell up?

You know what music I really enjoyed and I haven’t found a chum in company…. Big Band. Now, that might surprise a few of you because,… well I really don’t know why, but I have loved Big Band since I first heard it played when I was a teeny weensy. (Leap Frog is one of my all time favorites). There is no other genre of music that makes me feel all kinds of emotions; melancholy, exuberance, sloth etc. like Big Band. Just wanted to give you all an insight into my world… we aren’t monolithic as a the masses would like to believe.

Sidenote: I just bought a pair of shoes (no, not jimmy choos but some nine west’s) the other day and was wondering why they look so damn cheap (no, not because they are cheap) I finally figured out why I feel they look so cheap… they remind me of them plastic rubber jelly sandals we use to wear back in the day that made our feet sweat holy water. and here I thought I then came up.

Dilemma

2005-06-09T09:00:00.000-07:00

I have been in this funky mood all damn week. Just really stank. Like I would throw you mad shade if we were cool…. Just that damn funky. I’m thinking that I could be a number of other things but most likely it is my God given snotty attitude and it being so damn hot I peeped the devil drinking a Brisk. Anyway, my finances are looking shoddy and I haven’t a plan to get them back in order. I have hospital bills from both of my stays at the hospital along with Grant’s stay and them jokers seem to be taking on a life of its own everyday. I have been hoping (or maybe not) that my mom gets a permanent gig so I can get my finances in order. But despite it all, I love that my son is getting the second best rearing and caring that can be offered. Dilemma.

I have been tagged by ms. momma…. So here goes:

Total Number of Books Owned:
ummmm… wow. Probably close to 400 including text books as well.

Last book(s) I:
Bought: Angels and Demons – Dan Brown
Last book I read (leisure): Angels and Demons – Dan Brown
Current book I am reading: The Da Vin.ci Code – Dan Brown (I’m hooked)

Fiction or Non-Fiction:
autobiographies rock!

First book I read:
the first book I remember reading was a history book in the first grade. I still have that same book...it gave me George Washington Carver, the Wright Brothers and Harriet Tubman. I think this is exactly when I fell in love with biographies, reading and the art of story telling.

Most read book:
several… but off the top of my head… Steven King’s Desperation, Regulators, Rose Red and Rose Madder… great reads!

Largest Impact:Your Best Life Now – Joel Osteen

Favorite Scholarly Book: I don’t have one….

Sexiest Book: Addicted – Zane…. Boarderline freak nasty…

Biggest Disappointment: too many to mention

Five Books that Mean Something to me:
The Bible
Your Best Life Now – Joel Osteen
The Autobiography of Malcolm X – Alex Haley, Malcolm X
My American Journey, An Autobiography – Colin Powell, Joseph E. Persico
Lucky – Alice Sebold

tag! you're it! Ms.Thing, Muffin, Slow Metamorphosis

passing along...

2005-06-06T10:00:00.000-07:00

edit post:

Check this out if you can not be there in person. strengths in numbers...
**

Well… I’m a parent for real now… like for real, for real. G mack diddy icious had his first (and if God is merciful, last) hospital stay last week. It was only one night, but he was sick for the whole week. Go figure it was my week of vacation. My little man is doing much better due to some albuterol and good ole-fashion attention. He is made from that great stuff….

On other fronts, I punched this dude in the face yesterday. I’m not proud but I am surprised. Surprised how much frustration I’m able to store before it explodes into out right physical violence. That is much ado about the events leading up to the punch but lets just say, if I was peanut n ‘em, I would be in my right for punching homeboy in the face. He knew he did me dirty and I expressed numerous times how I wanted to lump his ass up. Now, I have said this many times, I have a violent streak. As hidden and misjudged as it is, it is very alive and well. He asked me if I felt like punching him in his face would make me feel better and of course my natural response was 'yes'. He turned his face towards me and I punched him dead in his grill. I punched him harder than I thought I would...than he thought I would. I even saw him flinched as if to retaliate but he didn’t…. a good thing for both of our sakes… as gully as I think I am, I’m still haven’t recovered from birth to the point I am willing (note: i said willing, not able....BIG ass difference) to fight a 6’3 grown ass man. As for him, if he had hit me, I would’ve damn sure picked up a bat, a table leg or whatever within my reach that would inflict major physical damage. I am not to be fucked with. Am I sorry for punching him in his face? Nah. I do feel sorry for myself for allowing a mere mortal to get me THAT peeved that I would resort to physical violence… I’m not 16 any more, I needn’t have my integrity marginalized by fools who obviously chose, once again, ignore my gangsta.

I have been on the grind for about three months now looking for a new gig. THREE WHOLE MONTHS. I have had one interview…. One. Damn. Interview. I have made the deductions… the obvious conclusion…. something is wrong with my resume. I have edited the resume over and again and to me, it looks mighty fine. But then again, I would believe so because I have been looking at that damn thing for seven years believing so. I have decided to break down and enlist the help of a resume consultant and I’m willing to pay a buck to a buck fifty for the service. If I can purchase a Ipod, which I damn sure didn’t need (and I’m still trying to grasp the hype), I can put up a little less for something that is necessity at this point.

2005-05-19T09:04:00.000-07:00

Unconditional love. Is it possible within a romantic relationship? That was one of the many topics discussed while I was eating my bagel on the way to work. Oh yeah, by the way, the conversation was with myself.

I have aspirations of marriage. no, it isn’t my sole goal… it really isn’t even a must but I think I would like the idea of a family waiting for me to cook dinner, help the kiddies with their biology project, assist my husband with his journal entries, enjoy family outings on the weekends, vacation for four… you know, shit like that. Sine qua non, what a marriage should incorporate. Now, before the thoughts of ‘well you can have that without being married’ resontae, I want to state that I've been there, done that, it ain’t for me. Just aint. Period. Even more so now. I have a child…. A child who I’m 100% responsible for. I’m not going to just live with someone all willy nilly risking the well being of my child and my physical freedom because if someone touch mine, I swear fo lawd… Funny how we value ourselves more when we add something on to it. A degree, a fancy car, a condo…. a child. Okay, maybe a child is different, but point is, we don’t value the principle until there is some return. Another been there, done that. I’m not insane therefore I do not do the same thing over again while expecting a different result….no more shacking! Aside from that, can I actually live with someone else in which I don’t really have to? I don’t have to live with Grant but there is something in the law called reckless endangerment of a minor. In addition, there is this unconditional love I have for him. Which bought me to the topic of contention, can we love unconditionally romantically? It is a question, actually…. The 19 voices that live within my head have yet to come to an agreement.

jimmy choo's

2005-05-17T07:52:00.000-07:00

I have a penchant for cute shoes. Cute brown sling backs with rounded toe shoes. I saw some cute jimmy choos… but I don’t have jimmy choo money… I have enzo, nine west money though. Money is tight in the epi household. I’m grossly underpaid grossly overworked and I have picked up a few projects all in effort to make this deal a little sweeter when I sell it to my next employer. How is that coming along? … It’s not. I have been on the grind for about four months now looking for another gig…either one of three things are the results of my pursuit…. 1) they aren’t offering enough money for my self -determined worth 2) crazy hours with up to 25% travel (I’m a single parent, this ain’t gonna happen) or 3) supervisory experience in which I have none of. I say this to say that in about a year, I will be moving to another state, preferably GA or SC. The ghettos of New York City are becoming unbearable, real estate is already bananas, the rat race is becoming more sadistic and I have a child. A black male child. The ghetto is waiting, salivating to eat him alive. The gangs here are helter skelter… I’m just waiting to open my apartment door only to see a dead body propped against it. He will have all the opportunity in the world to face adversity without me putting him directly in the mix and I owe it to him to show him there are other ways to live… not cramped up in a 500 square foot two bedroom apartment in which I can barely afford because the rent is 2000 for a corner apartment in the middle of a c.rip/b.lood war zone. And I want some brown sling backs with rounded toes when the moment befits me. Some jimmy choos if I want.

On other fronts, things with Stick are going well. (Stick is the bf’s alias). I had to yam in his ear about recent events… read: his damn slacking. Like Maleike said, the tone must be set from the very beginning… but it bothers me none to whip a nicca into shape. If I must remind you, in every conversation, of my worth and options, that is what I will do. I don’t think this is even a little bit extreme because if I do not tell him, he will never know. Men love to claim oblivion as their next of kin. Communication (not to be confused with nagging) is key. Now, if I think my mentions aren’t being valued and respected, then we both can resign from the relationship. Life is too short to be purposefully unhappy.

“The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance, the wise grows it under his feet.”
James Oppenheim
Holla, Mr. Oppenheim.

Me thinks lady doth (not) protest too much

2005-05-13T11:45:00.000-07:00

side ish: TGIF. I just decided to buy an insurance policy for myself...a 'just in case' my ass dies in the streets of NY. I live in the Bronx on Killer Avenue between Lite ‘Em Up Lane and Buck ‘Em Down Blvd so I think this was a good idea. It would be funnier if it wasn't true.

So, let me pop my collar. * polyester popping in the background * I have successfully matched another adorable, loving couple… my god given talent is match making,… yall didn’t know. Here is how it works: I meet with a potential, and listen. No conversation, no mingling, just plain ole listening. Old adage ‘give a man enough rope, he will hang himself’. But can you tell me this, why hasn’t the favor been returned? I have been on the worse blind dates that i could really cry right now.... like while writing this blog. So bad, I asked the match maker, 'do you not like me?! What have I done to you for you to subject me to such torment?' ummm to be upfront I’m not single, but the notion is looking plenty pleasing to me. Let me pour my heart out a little… now, silence is a text easy to misread…. Not my quote but follow along. Men tend to sleep on me… meaning, they get comfortable, relaxed, complacent… tending to think they ‘got it like that’. I don’t ask for more than emotional support, even sex is negotiable (and that is a grave compromise on my end.) You don’t have to ball or even bounce to be with me, just make sure your ass is employed with your own damn cash and we are in cahoots. if I have to ask you to buy me shit and take me places, then why am I really with you? I can treat myself like how I want to be treated. I dine and wine myself. I go to the movies by myself. I even vacation alone. In summary, I really don’t need anyone to do these things for/with me. It is a conscious, oftentimes regrettable, choice to dine, vacation with another. You have those few who think that my low-maintenance ass is one to steal on. I’m willing to let him run amuck, living it up like the fat cat. Give a man enough rope he will hang himself. How many slum bastids have been left holding their bags and picking their faces up off the floor? I will tell you, a good effing number of them. When things were brand new and neither one of us could do no wrong, boy was he floating his ass around like a butterfly… but as soon as he see that he doesn’t ‘need’ to shell out quality (funds, time, effort) to remain in my company, a lump on a log is what he becomes. Perhaps I am the enabler and it is my damn fault…. But funk that, … the ‘emancipation of epi’… changes are a coming…. I guess you all know who I’m talking about so insert name where appropriate.

Happy weekend!

2005-05-08T09:44:00.000-07:00

My ma. Momma… mother… MA!!! (When she acts like she can’t damnit hear.) This woman is the quintessential essential. Now, before I begin to speak about Ida Mae, I have to thank God for all that I’m able to say about this woman and for him given me the opportunity, the ablity the patience, and the long awaited time to NOW appreciate all that she has done for me.

Now, back to ms. Ida mae. Now, ms. Ida mae raised two daughters of her own, me being the second. My first memory of Ida was her kneeling down to my level and explaining to me that that day was my birthday. I was three years old. I remember thinking to myself 'so what, ma?" I guess in my three year old mind, I couldn't grasp the importance of such date... but best believe now i do. Anyway, I always knew my mother as the caretaker, the nurturer and for the longest time, I thought that this was her government appointed job, this is what she was SUPPOSE to do. She was suppose to praise my receiving a 100% on my spelling test, she was obligated to beat my ass when I got caught chewing gum in class when I wasn’t suppose to and her rightful duty to clean up my cuts and bruises received from scraping on the block while giving me a good scolding about fighting once again,.... ‘bo, you ain’t no boy. Stop all of that damn fightin’”. It was when I was having problems with my upstairs neighbors while living in Brooklyn that it dawned on me. I was walking with my mom from my apartment building to the train station and we were talking about me writing another letter to the landlord. She said something under her breath and I can’t recall at the moment what was said but I remember saying to her, ‘I’m not worried about them.’ She said to me ‘bo, even though you are grown, that doesn’t mean I don’t worry about you. You are still my child’ (dabbing away the tears). It wasn’t like I never thought my mother worried about me, but I guess it was when it was vocalized, when she actually expressed with her own mouth her worries that I knew and understood her being my mom wasn’t her job, that her being my disciplinary wasn’t her appointed duty, that her being my on-call doctor wasn’t her responsibility. Her loving, her caring, her devotion…all of it…it was all her privilege, her honor. I love Ida Mae. I credit her for everything I am…with everything I am not. I am glad for every argument that we have had for I am pretty sure, in her absence, I was made to suffer a hard learn lesson that I wouldn’t allow her to teach me anyway. She was and still is the benchmark…. And I think I turned out pretty damn well. This is your day, Ms. Ida Mae…. I love you more than in all of the days in my life I would be able to express. You have shown me that blessings aren’t only in a child, but also in the parent.

I love you, ma.

Love, bo

2005-05-02T07:57:00.000-07:00

I think someone possibly posted about this before… when you are riding on the train (or chilling in a public place) and you look up only to see some one is staring you dead in your grill and when that eye contact is made, they neither wink nor divert, just continue to stare. For some reason, ish like that just irks the hell out of me…. Isn’t staring still impolite or did that rule change recently and someone throw away the memo before I got a look/see? So commence the battle of the stare down…. I’m gonna stare the hell out of you before this train ride is over heffa, best believe. Too bad she got off at 86th street, hence the stare down was a draw. Umph. *I’ll beat that bitch wit a bat * and they say new yorkers are confrontational...

My mother should be back to work in about month tops. She has a few leads and before she makes anything definite, she wants to make sure it is worth it. I’m like, hell nah it ain’t worth it. Staying at home with G diddy, minding him while I’m at work is worth it. But then she mentioned having to pay the rent.. my ass was like the whisper song… ‘Wait’. Speaking of which, Baby G is six months today…. What is more amazing, especially after last night’s fiasco, is that his little round, fat, flat face is still alive. He cried until three o’clock this morning… so, yours truly has had only 3 hours of sleep. Guess how I’m feeling? If you guessed pissed, peeved, disgruntled and a tad bit homicidal, you have guessed right. What have they won, Bob? Nothing at all, Jack! But every time I look at that same little round fat flat face, I can’t believe something so wonderful and beautiful and loving and God-inspiring came from me. Things are good.

The code as been broken… I now know why baddy has been coming around more often… if a bastid finds out another bastid is hollering at you, all of a sudden that bastid wants to holler too. I’m like, easy bastid…pump dem brakes, bastid! He asked me what I was doing when it came to dating. I told him, I’m talking to a number of people… you know… here and there, a little of everywhere. He didn’t like that answer…. I’m like well I didn’t like your question. Men. I really hate them sometimes.

Sidenote:
I was just on Cos’s site, (every time I visit her site, why does Ciara’s ‘Oh’ play loud and clear in the background? ‘Down here we ride sloooooowww.’) I really like her writing style…nonjudgemental, nonoffensive open honest style of writing. Anyway, like I was saying to her in regards to her ‘Get OUR( not just yours) ish together’ post, I am a proud banker at INGDirect... their savings rate is usually above 2% but does fluctuate but regardless, it is always at least twice the rate in which you can received at any other commercial bank. Don’t bothering wasting your time with commercial savings account…. They are only good for checking purposes. ING also have a very good CD purchasing option. No fees and no fuss… just buy it and let it sit there. I have opened several cd’s (actually a cd per month) for baby G all to mature in five years and then reinvest until he becomes primary owner and then he can do as he pleases (except to blow my hard earned money which at that point, I might have to commence to whipping his ass). My purpose is to have a stash for G for when he comes into his own so he doesn’t have to lease a car or rent an apartment. If he wants to, he will have the cash to make a down payment on a condo/house or buy that car right off the lot. I don’t want him in the ‘struggle’. ‘Bo did that so hopefully hewouldn’t have to go through that.’ Even though this savings plan is killing… like literally reacking havoc on my pockets, I know it will be worth it in the end. (btw, now is the time to invest in INGDirect… NYSE: ING) Each one, teach one....

Let me say this much.....

2005-04-27T09:58:00.000-07:00

...my life is effing boring…. It is a complete drab of disconnected uneventful comings and goings but that isn’t what I’m about to elaborate on... it is the routine of it all. Now the run down is this, good to know for you mom to bes… ish ain’t all gravy…. I wake up to feed G around six… that is if he is awake… most time he isn’t … or get ready for work. I work at this horrible place for eight hours… oh, let me not forget … the train ride…. I walk ten blocks to the train station and take a 45-vulgarity filled-baby crying-loud talking-uncomfortable seating-hotandsweaty-teenagerssimulatingsex-minute ride to work. I’m usually right on time… cause you and I both know just like money, my time is better in my pocket. I do this that and the third here for eight hours… barf….and take the same 45 vulgarity filled-baby crying-loud talking-uncomfortable seating-hotandsweaty-teenagerssimulatingsex minute ride home… walk ten more blocks get in the ride to find parking on the right side of the street… (a new york thing). I get home and feed G again… this is our bonding time… I’m ye-yo (depending on the day, that could be a statement, question or exclamation)…. and then get undone from the days work. So about this damn time, it is seven. Now, I must watch my jeopardy....an absolute must. It is now 7:30 and I have to wash G and get him in order for the next day. 8:30-9. I clean our room… which basically means I either put ish in the hamper or shove things in the storage bin… yeah… I’m operating with THAT much… or should I say that much space? I have to feed myself and then feed him, which takes about an hour because he’s being spoon-fed. 10:00pm. I brush his gums and read him a story and then beg and plea with him to sleep so momma can have a moments rest. He looks at me and smiles…he couldn’t care less. 10:30 mr.man calls and we talk about things here and there… and if you really want to know the truth… could have discussed in instant messaging throughout the day but who can blame the man for wanting my voice to be the last thing he hears before falling asleep? (wink) Now it is midnight… and I still haven’t curled my wig… so when a bastid ask what I’m pissy, I shall refer him to this post….

In other arenas…. I have been discussing with ms.thing my pending move to the peach state and I am no closer to a decision than I was when I first thought this move up five, six years ago. So many variables when it comes to picking up myself and G to move our asses hundreds of miles away. Baddy has been making a solid effort to obtain and maintain a sturdy existence (what kind? I don’t know) in Grant’s life but who knows how long that is going to last. My mom and my son have a relationship in which even I envy to some extent. I know this move would be best for Grant and I… there isn’t a doubt in my mind. What has been concerning me is snatching him away from his father… I don’t want to ever be the reason for their relationship going to shit…. but who really knows that outcome. I am bothered by a complete disconnect from my mom because not only have they created this incredible bond, I too have grown to appreciate and adore the relationship that they have… they both give each other so very much. He is my mom’s favorite grandchild, hands down. And just like most children do, he puts moves on her heart. On the flip side, my mom has lived her life and G is my responsibility. In all of my decisions, there is always an unhappy camper. A friend of mine said I should file for full custody so G’s dad won’t fight me on the move but why would I want to do that? He is G’s parent just as much as I am, why would I want to deliberately sabotage that relationship by demanding his ‘presence in court’ for some type of personal gain? I’m so confused and drained and pissed off I didn’t make this move five years ago when I really had ample means to do so…. when I didn’t have so many other variables to consider. But later from them damn shoulda, woulda, couldas… things are real this time around. One thing is for certain, I’m not….NOT… raising G in NYC…. Period. End of story.

2005-04-18T08:15:00.000-07:00

I haven’t posted in a while. Something called a brain fart. … I yelled all day Saturday. I felt wronged… I felt disrespected, I felt I was going to lose.my.damn.mind. G’s father is a bum… I wanted to fight him…. Like roll up on that nigga and bust him in his grill. A little back ground so yall won’t think I’m a violent baby mama. No, I’m not that chick. So being that my mom is on hiatus from working… (she quit with no type of back-up plan. My momma gangsta, yall), she has been taking care of G while I’m at work. My normal routine beforehand was to take G over to his father’s house for the morning/early afternoon. G’s father (aka that bum) then leaves him with the babysitter until I pick him up which is around six. Well since it is more convenient for me to just leave him with my mom, that is what I have been doing. Now, this doesn’t mean the bum isn’t allowed to see his son or that the bum is relieve of his ‘babysitting’ duties, it just means this is more convenient for me as his primary care taker. Don’t you know this motherfer hasn’t even seen his son in over a week? A whole week. He lives ten mins from me. No lie…. Ten damn minutes. So…. I’m no punk about my ish. I called him up and remind his ass he has a son. He gets flippant and i.lose.my.damn.mind….

Me: I told you I’m not going to allow this to happen
Bum: I text you all the time
Me: I don’t give a fuck.. I’m talking about coming to see him… playing a role in his life
Bum: why you raising you voice? (not 'why are you'… but 'why you')
Me: because I told you that I wasn’t going to allow you to play with his life. he isn’t a story for me to report back to you with… he is a live person
Bum: I work
Me: I work too, what the hell does that mean? The same 24 hours you have in your day are the same 24 hours that I have in mine. He deserves better than this. He deserves the best. (doesn’t that sound cliché?) I tell you what, you don’t even have to see me… call my mom and make arrangements to see your son… you know, Grant? You remember him, right?
Bum: yeah, cause you don’t have to raise your voice at me
Me: maybe if you acted responsible like an adult, I wouldn’t have to yell at you like a child. Talk to you later, you stupid motherfer.

I didn’t call him a stupid motherfer but lawd if I wasn’t thinking it. I cried because I’m tired of yelling. I’m tired of the fussing and fighting and struggling. But if I gave it all up, I would be allowing him to treat my son like a second class citizen and there is no way… not on God’s green earth or in satan’s firey hell that I’m going to allow him to be treated other than what he is…. The most sought after hotness. Holla!

And do you know the bum texted me last night to tell me to tell my mom that he is coming over to see G. my efforts aren’t fruitless but how long can I carry on like a mad woman?

Anyway, I made some decisions about this here life… I’m moving next year… if all else stays the same. After the Saturday exchange and my need to leave this job and not being able to go to the playground with out dodging 161610358 kids, bullets, knives and fistfights, I think it is high time I high tail my ass on out of this place to another where G can have his own damn swing set. It is the little things that make the biggest impacts. Alrighty, let me do work… or at least pretend.

I'm feeling like...

2005-04-06T08:17:00.000-07:00

a lost little girl but not one who’s searching for her mommy.

...like mommie2b, reflective on my life and how the hell did I end up here.

I have no regrets.

Never would I have imagine being 28 living with my mom with my five month old son who I love ten times more than I love myself, unwed, underemployed and never happier.

If I didn’t have my mom, I would be homicidal. Somebody would have to die. There are days where I don’t get but two hours of sleep…. But my mom, the jizzoint herself, comes through and sacrifices her sleep so I can be some good to some job the following morning….yall don’t hear me. Thank God for her.

My son … very serene then very expressive then reclusive and the cycle never ends. From the moment he was born, I was waiting for that connection… the eye contact that shows me we have something much more deeper than the relationship. Today, I finally got it. Thank God for him.

I use to ponder what my coworkers felt about me being unwed and pregnant. Never a worry, never any shame, just pondered. I am the first ever to have a child out of wedlock in my workplace. Finally I’m a first at something…I have been waiting for this moment all of my life. Jokes aside, I’m a WIP. I know God wasn’t happy with my decision, but he wasn’t happy way before G was conceived. He wasn’t feeling how I was loving fornicating… or even now how I’m still on the enjoying side of it … but God also saw the responsibility in me when I didn’t chose to abort my child. Thank God for his understanding.

This job…. Screw them… they better be lucky Jesus is my homeboy… that is all I will say to keep from further implementation of myself in any possible future retaliations for the ish slinging that goes on here on a daily basis.

On other fronts, I have been dating a very, very wonderful guy. One that gets me. And that is hard to do because I’m tough. Not intentionally but I’m going to fling your ass everywhere but lose just to see how durable you are…. How much can you withstand before you hightail your ass towards the nearest exit. I just told baddy about letting G meet him. His behind gonna act like I never asked him such a thing. Play games if you want, nicca.
Like mo’nique said, ladies, take your birth control pills.

Allow me to vent....

2005-03-24T09:03:00.000-08:00

‘You need to calm down…’

I don’t need to do shyt.

Some one told me that just the other night after he told me a story about one of his friends and his battle with the courts over child support. Sensitive topic. He knows this. And still had to nerve to tell me to calm down.

I needn’t do anything I don’t damn well feel like doing.

On top of everything else, G had to get his vaccinations and he was crying like the dickens for five hours straight… FIVE – HOURS-….STRAIGHT!!! My mom and I are at our wits end, I’m looking like who shot john and forgot to kill him, my mom is looking at me like, really, who did shoot john and forget to kill him?, while his father is up with some woman, freak-freak-freak. Now, I don’t care what the hell his father does… just take care of you kid. On top of all of that, I had 545 dollars to come out of my pocket with because G health insurance is saying he isn’t covered. WTF?!! A week prior, his dr.’s office called to say if this isn’t resolved, Grant couldn’t be seen. Come again? I went up in there, lay G on the table and started undressing him. Oh, yes, he was being seen… rather I had 545 dollars or not, he was going to receive whatever services it was that he had needed. Call the police, call the governor, call on Jesus, if ya want… He is always on my side, by the way, so you might want to try someone else. Best believe, when you get off the phone, I will be sitting right her with my naked child waiting to be served. I’ll be Joanna Q up in this piece, just watch me.

So I mentioned to his doctor about how it seems to me that his health was being held ransom for an effing measly 545 bucks. She asked me, ‘why whatever do you mean?’
I explained the phone call I received and so on, so forth. She was ‘appalled’ and that him not being able to be serviced wasn’t what was meant to be relayed. Anyway, she said in front of the receptionist, that it was only meant to be bought to my attention to make sure G is/get insured before bills racked up. Blah blah effing blah. I was through yesterday. And for you to tell me I need to calm down after I tell you all of this….

Kiss my arse!

Anyway, I forgot to tell you all about my wig. It has so taking on a life of its own… after giving birth to G, my hair fell out. I hadn’t been eating well while I was breastfeeding (double whammy), I wasn’t sleeping at all, and I was worrying about my decision to bring him into this world amongst other things. My hair literally fell out over night. I would wash it and wads of hair would be in the tub, in the comb, on the sink, in the towel, on my hands. That made me stress even more. So what did my informed undeniably genius ass do? Put braids in. That clean the rest right on off. So I went to a dermy and she shook her head. She knew everything I did to my hair/myself during/after pregnancy. She knew I dyed it, I wasn’t eating right, knew I’d stressed my edges with braids and that I stressing myself… she just knew. I love her. She treated my hair and gave me a lecture and then she sent me on my way with a pat on my ass yelling ‘go get ‘em, tiger!’. I went wig shopping later that night just to see if I can actually rock one. Needless to say, I can. I rock a lot of things well… ask Grant... and my ex's about their worlds.

My wig is FIERCE. It is a short beetles look but it looks pretty okay on me. I’m entertaining the though of getting a whole wardrobe of wigs but I fear the reliance. My mom and I look like twins now… she rocks wigs too. The older I get, the more Ms. L. I’m becoming. (Vomits in mouth… just a lil bit). * wink*

2005-03-22T12:15:00.000-08:00

*pic removed*

By popular demand, here he is... my mini-me. Manaenuke, Paw, sexy lips, dirty mcgirty, ahun, Granty, MY. FIRST. LOVE. ...along with numerous other names, terms of affection, monikers etc. He bit my lip the other day. Gums are no joke. that or he has one strong ass jaw. in fear of photo thieves, i will be taking this pic down in five days. I wish i could have scanned a pic of me when i was a youngin to post side by side with G and you all can see what i mean when i say he looks just like his momma... minus his father's nose.

Here i am...

2005-03-17T07:53:00.000-08:00

So I got the car. Honda. Accord. Mine. Finally. I effing rock!

Anyway, nothing much is going on (thank God and His plump-faced angels) no news is good news. I have been practicing driving. I don’t know if I’m a very good driver or a very bad one. I will tell you after my first accident.

Baddy is finally doing his thing… in increments, but his ass is finally coming around. I had to get in it a few times,… his ass that is,… but it was worth the stench. G baby is fantabulous. He is looking more and more like me everyday… except he has his father’s nose. My mom, the southern superstitious woman that she is says to me….'you know, when a child looks like its momma, that means she doesn’t know who the father is.' I looked at her, and said in a calm voice, I know who I sleep with. Plus, look at his nose. That right there definitely isn’t mine! And she left it alone. And people wonder why I am so damn crazy… the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

Quick question: why does it seem the older you get, the bigger your purse gets?. (maybe even some of you metro sexual males to can answer this too) My purse weighs like 12 lbs. I have a row of quarters for laundry (yall southern folks don’t know much about laundry mats or should I say ‘washeteria’), a wallet as big as the purse, six pens, a pad, my keys, my cell phone, my cell phone’s charger, a highlighter, napkins and tissue, lotion (palmer’s baby, got to control the ash) three tubes of lip gloss, three tubes of chap stick, eyeliner and about 100 pennies. WTF you ask? You never know… I’m prepared for a lot of ish. Laundry, ashy lips, low battery. What cho need? A napkin for that donut? Four pennies for tax? BAM! I’m Eveready! Speaking of batteries, I have some of those in my purse too. Cause you never know….*wink*

Going to the club Friday with my BFF and her sisters. Get my Ciara bootie bounce on. Imma try to shake some inches off this tire around my belly so I won’t be embarrassed to hold on to the overhead pole while riding the train this coming summer. Having my belly jiggle along isn’t my idea of hot damn… maybe got damn… but not hot damn..

Coming up in Epi’s next post: ‘my new wig’

i wonder why i'm hungry when i ate dinner last night.... oh i forgot, .. it was chinese take out.

2005-02-24T07:54:00.000-08:00

I have a weakness… I can’t say no. I admit it… unless you piss me off to the hilt, I would just about say anything but no. you might get a ‘we’ll see’ or a ‘possibly’ or ‘call me tomorrow’ or ‘ I have a boyfriend’ or ‘I’ll try’ or ‘I don’t know’ or something round about that isn’t direct but damn sure close to being a no. This little weakness that I have stemmed from my mom always willing and waiting to say no; Can’t even form the words in your mouth, can’t even conjure up the thought in your head and she had the word ‘no’ on the tip of her tongue ready for your ass. I hate hasty thinking… I like to mull things over before I say no. Before I answered with a no, would explore every other option possible. Maybe it is the Virgo in me that needs to nurture people and their null and void feelings, thoughts, opinions, beliefs etc.

Case in point:

Dude I just recently told yall about: so what are you feelings towards me?
Me: I don’t think I am ready to be involved.

What I wish i can say without feeling all guilty and ish: dude, I’m so not feeling your ass. I don’t think I can not feel your ass any more than I currently do

DIJRTYA: why would you say that? Was it something I did or say?
Me: nah, it is just me and being a new mom and starting back at work. I just don’t have to time or the patience to maintain a romantic relationship.

WIWICSWFAGAI: mf, because I’m not, that is why I would say that. And yeah, it was something you did… open your mouth…. and anything you said?… yes, everything up until this very moment!!

DIJRTYA: well, can I do anything to make you feel better?
Me: nah… im straight. Just need to get me in order, you know.

WIWICSWFAGAI: leave me the f alone.

DIJRTYA: well, if you need me, let me know.
Me: aight

WIWICSWFAGAI: nicca, what did I just say?

DIJRTYA: I will wait for you.
Me: I don’t know if I will be ready any time soon.

WIWICSWFAGAI: this ain’t cinema nicca. Really. it isn’t that serious.

DIJRTYA: just remember that I’m here if you need anything.
Me: cool

WIWICSWFAGAI: blow me.

(My ass couldn’t say no if you paid me…. Now I’m stuck with a quote, unquote friend. *wouldn't it have been easier if i would i just typed the damn "s? yeah, but i ain't easy. don't get it twisted.*:-P)

***********

I made an oath to myself that I would lie no more. No more lying out of convenience, no more lying because the lie sounds better than the truth and no more lying because I want to see just how creative I can be. I will let yall know how many minutes this last. Keep ya fingers crossed.

no title

2005-02-22T10:03:00.000-08:00

I have a question... in Amerie's new single 'one thing', is it me or does it sounds like she is saying gobble, gobble, goooo ble?

Ummm

My first love got married last summer…. I should restate, my first and only love got married last summer… that whomps. I guess my stuff wasn’t exceptional, huh? ** MsThing **

I heard that Jay-Z has plans to return to ‘the game’… what the f? why can’t niccas go and stay away like the profoundly claim to do… what the hell, is he like the new herpes simplex? Think he is gone… then BAM, a new flare up.

I went on a date the other night… I found a new type of guy in which I can’t stand…. (i think i'm just man hating, for real) Guys who love drama. What the hell is that about? I didn’t know they still existed. I am not one to keep drama afloat. I actually pray for drama to die a hundred deaths… that is the type of gal I am… drama free. And… to crown it king, he had the nerve to tell me, ‘I love drama… the more the better.’ That is some sissified shit to say. Anyway, his ass is scratched. I think I’m going to go on hiatus… raise G… maybe even go back to school, and plan for my ultimate move down to GA. I am purchasing a car in the next two weeks to tote G around in because his ass weighs more than mine. I will post a pic of the G-man if someone can tell me how to do that waterspot thing… or whatever it is called… I don’t want my baby’s pic to end up where it doesn’t belong.… anybody wanna help a sister out?

this that and the third and possibly a fourth

2005-02-15T09:22:00.000-08:00

today is my second day back at this hell fire of a place. i need to be shot for not getting out while the getting was good. my fault, my bad... all that other stupid ass slang words/phrases. i miss my baby... my G unit with and of himself. i asked him yesterday if he would be my valentine... his exacts words were, 'bulllah'. aka 'hell yes, mama... yous be my biatch for life!!' anyway, encourage me... life is hard with out my baby.

other news... men are stupid.... in a round about, humming coming atcah kinda way. were men really this stupid before i gave birth? or did i suddenly become more receptive to stupid men as of late? either way, men are stupid... except for my son.... and all of the other men i like... if are a man and i don't like you, you are stupid.

so, i watched the grammys with kanye and his big face...(i couldn't talk about people when i was pregnant because i was AFRAID... yeah, i'm superstitious like that... or is it stupidstitious? but the floodgates are wide OPEN!). he finally got an award, thank goodness... i didn't feel like hearing/reading about him carrying on like a lil biaotch. anyway, he is a okay performer when he isn't sweating his own damn self. a man with that much pent up fustration must need some relief...:)

also, R.I.P. OSSIE DAVIS

two for the price of one...

2005-01-17T11:30:00.000-08:00

I have been a busy beaver.... no, no... not THAT beaver... dirty mind of yours. Anyway, I have already completed my tax return for both fed and state... i refuse to let the government gain bank on my bank for longer than they need to. The state of NJ tried to tell me i owed them... now get this.... $1267. me.... with a child on my hip, living at my mamas. first of all, yeah right, second of all, yeah rizzzzight!!! and lastly, ain't no way i owe the state of NJ that much money... I have tried to tweak everything possible to lessen the amount due... it worked actually... but i still owed about 600 (not trying to get over... just trying to get through) I am going to wait until april 15th... do a few risky investments and see how it works out for a sistah... and then pay them bastids. let them play the waiting game.

i'm jumping on the bandwagon... it seems like everyone is getting the hell out of their respective dogde ... i'm on the search for a new gig. I have done my time, put in my work and it is past time I bid my farewells. some where, some how,... i developed a conscious... don't ask me when because i can't recall. before i left for maternity leave, my cowokers hosted a babyshower in my honor. as much as i bitched about the work, i have never bitched about the job.... i would feel almost ungrateful to bounce after receiving such lovely gifts... and they were lovely gifts... and without feeling an ounce of remorse. but then, this too shall passm eh? mean green trumps friends again!

so, i called into work to speak to my boss about my vacation time when i return.... i don't play... i don't think they have heard, but yes... it is all about me. i just want them to make sure they write it down on paper just in case they forget and need to consult.. and no, not about the vacation time... but about it being all about me. *wink* ... G and I are taking a trip to the Caribbean. I have always wanted to visit St. Thomas and the Caymans... but, im being swayed towards the 700 islands of bahamas... (are they really 700 islands of Bahamas?) , trinidad and Tobago and Costa Rica. now, i have always wanted to visit St. T and Caymans ever since college... so there is no deep speculative decision making in that. I would love to visit the Bahamas because... well... can you really beat 700 islands...? also, a visit to Trinidad would be perfect because i love trini men...... and soca music.... But have also heard the rain Forrest of Costa Rica are unmatched by any other. There is one problem, however... baddy might not want to sign off on G's passport. He has told me before that he believes i would run off with G. Now, I know i have an extreme personality... some might even say off the charts... but i would never run... even if things happen to get THAT bad... running isn't my steez... now stabbing a nicca is... but running???, nah that isn't me. anyway, i have some time to play nice.... i really do hope that is enough because shyt, that is really all i got. oh... i got to go...G just socked the ish out of me with his head and now he has the nerve to cry. kisses and stuff...

a clutter of mutter...

2005-01-15T19:13:00.000-08:00

mia is my constant status... i can't even say shawty has been monopolizing my time because i have had a couple of times to do my thug thizzle. my life is one big fat laziness.... besides tending to baby bop, i do a whole bunch of nothing from sun up to sun down.... hold on, that is a lie... i have been diversifying the hell out of my investment profolio... Surprisingly, that was easy. i guess my brain hasn't turn to mush yet.

since shawty is asleep and am listening to some tunes on the net, i figure i might give ya a shout out because somebody out there might care... i have opened up to the option of playful dating... nothing serious, just some phone calls here and there... possibly a movie if i dig your personality... well, some folks cram to understand the term of 'playful' ....meaning...lighthearted, frivolous, whimsical, etc. i don't want you for a husband... i don't want 'relations'... just someone of the opposite sex for companionship every now and again. now, when meeting these 'men', i am upfront with my intentions... i don't want a man, i don't want a cut buddy, i don't want a husband nor do i want or need a father for my son, he has one.... me. all i want is for us to 'kick it'. no not 'kick it' like darius and nina did in 'love jones' but kick it like it is suppose to be kicked. now,... this might be far fetched... but men can't stand a non needy woman.... a woman who by her independence from a romantic connection is in some form or another controlling or fooling herself that she doesn't need, want nor desire a man. well, surprise, sucker, surprise... i don't want you. the last time i had one of yall, i was left with a lifetime commitment. but....but... it gets more interesting and bizarre ... some of these fools actually think they can compete with my son.... like it is somehow probable, they can withstand and contend the adoration and love i have for my son...MY SON!!! and...and... they had the nerve to tell me this, now. *smh* The audacity, the brazenness, DA BALLS of these fools to think they even have a chance in hell they can kiss it.... i swear 'fore yall.

Dr. Martin's birthday is being observed on monday. i guess we are suppose to gear of for black history month... is it me or is bhm becoming almost .... how can i say this... almost routine. like we are programed to appreciate black history, civil right movement, martin l., malcolm x, harriet t., etc, you know... the five black figures in black history that are forced down our throats every year for a set period of 2/1 - 2/28....oh, can't forget that extra day we get every four years. roll out the mcdonald's bhm celebration commercials, break out the black liberation flags, crank up the 'i have a dream' speech. i hope this isn't what it has been reduced to. on this note, i hope all of those first time black voters make it a tradition, a behavior, a routine, a habit to vote every year... for you not to is to desecrate the graves of our ancestors.

2004 no more!!

2005-01-02T09:36:00.000-08:00

I have to post this... sums up the year in 39 questions... thanks Pammy!!

001. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?
Had a child

002. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i can't even remember that far back and no, no more new year's resolutions... if i needs to be done, it will get done.

003. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes,.... ME!!!

004. Did anyone close to you die?
UMMM...thank God no...

005. What countries did you visit?
none,... but that is about to change

006. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
i have received what i think i was searching for... a REAL purpose... my shawty!

007. What dates from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
March 1st when i found out that i was expecting and Nov. 2nd when i finally gave birth...

008. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
this is getting monotonous.... my shawty

009. What was your biggest failure?
becoming complacent in a majority of the roles of my life...

010. Did you suffer illness or injury?
nope... i have been blessed...

011. What was the best thing you bought?
well i bought the service of my friend to build me a new computer... damn good job if i might say so myself.

012. Whose behavior merited celebration?
all of the first-time voters who desperately tried to oust that antichrist...GWB...

013. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed disgusted?
there isn't enough room... but for those who know me, I don't have to complete the answer to this question

014. Where did most of your money go?
Shawty.... i spent more money on hospital bills for him in one year than i have on myself in my whole life... including when i was born.

015. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
i would say shawty but i would be lying,... i was more anxious than excited... i would say maternity leave..don't get me wrong, i appreciate having a job but UGGH!!... i really need a new job

016. What song will always remind you of 2004?
'YEAH!!'... as my mother says... 'Usher and his cute self'

017. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?
a) happier
b) thinner... in some places... fatter in others
c) a helluva lot poorer financially but richer emotionally

018. What do you wish you'd done more of?
praying... and saving..

019. What do you wish you'd done less of?
worrying

020. How will you be spending New Year's Eve?
at home watching dick clark...(regis philbin)

021. Did you fall in love in 2004?
yes... with shawty... but i also fell in love with me over again... i sure do love me some me

022. How many one-night stands?
still riding that celibacy train for all its worth...Amen, pammy!!

023. What was your favorite TV program?
American Dreams

024. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I don't hate anyone... my heart is incapable

025. What was the best book you read?
Lucky - Alice Sebold

026. What was your greatest musical discovery?
had none

027. What did you want and get?
a picture printer is what i still want and i got NOTHING!!!

028. What did you want and not get?
financial freedom...AMEN again, Pammy!

029. What was your favorite film of this year?
The Day After Tomorrow

030. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Nothing at all... just sat back and thank God... i turned 28 years young

031.What one thing would have made your year measurably more satisfying?
financial freedom

032. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
maternity wear... and it sucked!

033. What kept you sane?
Pregnancy... had it not, i would have sliced a few folks in '04

034. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
no one... not a big fan of anyone except for God...

035. What political issue stirred you the most?
how someone so short of common sense could be allowed to serve as president of such a powerful nation

036. Who did you miss?
everyone and noone... made me a better, more self reliant person

037. Who was the best new person you met?
my son... but it was like meeting me all over again except in boy form... he is his mother's child

038. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004.
God hears you...even when you aren't talking.

039. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
He fills me up, he gives me love, more love than i ever seen
He's all I've got, he's all i got in this world

.... God and my son!!!

Threes

2004-12-16T10:05:00.000-08:00

I didn't want to die painfully... God knows, I live painfully as is...

Three names you go by:
Andrea
Drea
Bo

Three screen names you have:
hardwuk
loganandrea
epitomi

Three things you like about yourself:
Sense of humor
My positive attitude
selflessness

Three things you hate/dislike about yourself:
big time procrastinator
lack of patience
the texture of my skin

Three parts of your heritage:
African-American x 3 (holla!)

Three things that scare you:
pit bulls
raising my shawty
not falling in love ever again

Three of your everyday essentials:
my baby boy
music
and music

Three things you are wearing right now:
Siena basketball t-shirt
boxers
spongebob squarepants slippers

Three of your favorite bands/artists (at the moment):
Mario
Houston
Elephant Man

Three of your favorite songs at present:
Elephant Man - Jiggy
Mario - Let Me Love you
Houston - I like that

Three new things you want to try in the next 12 months:
Trip to St. Thomas
beef up my investment portfolio
purchasing my car

Three things you want in a relationship (love is a given):
Patience
Understanding
Acceptance of my shawty

Two truths and a lie:
I'm 5'7
I'm procrastinating right now
I own a pair of assless chaps

Three physical things about the opposite sex (or same) that appeal to you:
masculine hands
soft eyes
and soup coolers

Three things you just can't do:
the harlem shake
rollerblade
bake

Three of your favorite hobbies:
finding things to organize
choreograph new dance steps... i'm so not lying
photography

Three things you want to do really badly right now:
win the lotto
sleep ten hours straight
move the hell out of dodge

Three careers you're considering:
Stay at home mom
Interior decorator
Daycare center director

Three places you want to go on vacation:
St. Thomas
Costa Rica
Moscow

Three kids names:
Grant
Ryan
Joi

Three things you want to do before you die:
Raise my shawty
travel the world
gain that peace of mind we all search for

Three people who have to take this quiz now or die painfully:
Ranada Dejoi
Joy/L.R.T
Muffin

the farmer in the dell....

2004-12-07T21:54:00.001-08:00

never knew how many nursery rhymes they were and how often i was straight jacking up the lyrics to the three i knew,before i had shawty... Shawty and I spend his feeding time with me singing the wrong words to recently learnt songs and he seems to not mind. My Shawty.... god i'm in love with this little boy...

so, officially, i'm getting a little damn tired being home. my ass is raw from sitting down and if i see that damn target commercial one more time, imma jet li the tv on the floor. here is the routine.... wake up,... that is, if i have gotten any sleep, wash and sterilize baby's bottles, walk the dog, feed the dog, wash myself, eat, wash the baby, feed him again, put him to sleep, put me to sleep, wake up, change him, feed him, prepare his bottles, put him to sleep, put me to sleep etc... you get the dang picture. i do log on from time to time to chat with msthing.... how i relish those moments in which i get to be epi/mommy instead of mommy/daddy/auntie/godmother... yall get that picture too. so... i'm on my quest to make a move from this here place... get the hell out of dodge. the preparation is so dang tedious... got to make moves though... shawty is motivation headquarters, incorporated... plus, i needs to bounce before i rock baddy in his face, ya heard.

Kanye and his damn 10 grammy nods... bastid... a crying bastid. I hope they leave his ass high and dry like they did at the AMA's. He is one of those people who loves nothing better than to hear himself talk... i'm like, Brother, if you are talking all the damn time, when can you possibly be listening? what a schmiel. another humbling moment.... DC has been nominated for one... I guess they couldn't do B wrong.... cause 'lose my breath' is hardly worth it. Regardless, I will be sure to tune in.

You know, sadly enough, i have a sore spot for Marion Jones... com'on nah, we all know her ass was, probably still is, on steroids. I watched the 20/20 special. but even before then, i was thoroughly convinced that at the very least, she kept bad company. I was once a track star (brushing shoulder off) and the competition is ridiculous on the amateur circuit....so i can only imagine,... maybe not even imagine... what it is like on the Olympic level. there is no team in individual sports (Olympics or not) especially one as visible, as popular, as widespread as track and field. they can say olympic team as much as they want to but there is only space for one face on that wheaties box. but unfortunately, in her case, the end didn't justify the means and now she is standing there with cake on her face despite how much she has chosen to ignore it. I think she should shut her mouth and be glad they aren't able(or at least i don't think so) to strip her of her medals.

okay, it is late and best believe, i will be complaining tomm when i am dead dog tired. got to complain! isn't that the American way even when everything is ya own dang on fault?... holla!

a month later...

2004-11-29T17:29:00.000-08:00

Shawty is almost a month old and i tell you the truth, i don't know how i managed. With a max of three hours of sleep now, it has become easier. I now longer feel like messing ish up, you know. We are learning each other. It is almost magical. Alright, enough of the snappy crap. But last note, i'm so proud to be his mother, in the words of TI, you don't know. *snicker* Now on to baby daddy. now this mf...excuse my language... for i have tried to remain positive. Now we aren't together... my decision.... he is a nut who is moody and loves none other to pawn off responsibility... hint, hint. So when i decided to do me... cause i love doing me... his words were, i would have for you have to do it by yourself. i said, well ish, i won't if you be there for the baby. Now, judging by how this post is going so far, do you think he has held up his end of the Bergen? F no! In the month that Shawty has graced us, he has changed ONE pamper... one mf diaper. He hasn't spent one night with Shawty. Now i'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt for he never had his father in his life so, perhaps, he doesn't know what a father is. But in my quest in being hella patient and informative dude just refuse to play that part. i'm like look... this is hard enough... when he does come over, he holds and coos with Shawty for hours. Drop off some money and scurry. and then calls and ask how we are doing. mother fer, we are fine. be even better if you stop calling when i'm in the middle of bathing him, feeding him or doing something a responsible, loving, caring parent would do. and then when i cut him short, he tells me to call him back. nicca, for what? i'm taking care of my baby, i don't have time to bull ish with you on the phone. if you want to know how he is doing, come by and see. i fixed his ass... he was at the club, again... and shawty was bawling for whatever reason... three o'clock in the morning... So, i called him and let Shawty wail on the phone. He didn't answer but it went to voice mail. I left him a voicemail with the baby screaming his head off. He calls the following day asking why i call him three oclock in the morning... mother fer, the baby was crying so i thought you should share in the downs that comes with having a baby and hung up. nicca, don't ever try to flex on me. EVER!

I just told him that i will be moving out of state in three years. He had the nerve to tell me, nah, you can't do that. i said, nicca please. here he comes telling me i need his permission to take Shawty out of state. I said, well... take me to court, nicca take me to court. I will pull your card. how many times have you seen him? what duties have you acquired since Shawty has been born? What can you provide that I haven't already have been since Shawty been born? I have tried. I want so badly for Shawty to have his father in his life but at whos expense? A father who comes to see him whenever his work schedule, club schedule, sleep schedule permits? A father who promises to come over but never shows. A father who, for his own selfish reasons, won't allow his child to experience a better life? I don't want him to ever think that he is not wanted or not more important than the club or work or sleep... NEVER THAT. I don't ever want my child to ask where his father is and my response will have to be, 'At the club' I will be damned.... over my dead body. Take me to court, i will gladly oblige. I have nothing to hide. So that is that on the father scope.

On other fronts, i'm good. tired... looking well for a person who pushed out an eight pounda...holla! I will update soon. like Sophia said in the Color Purple, 'That's my own baby crying' My shawty is hungry. Thank you all for the Congrats. I felt the sincerity in each one. you are all so wonderful! Ciao, bellas...muah!

THE CHAMP IS HERE!!!

2004-11-22T16:18:00.000-08:00

So my Shawty is here.... yes, yes. My Shawty is hizzear... holla!! Sir Grant was born 11/02/2004 weighing 7lbs 14ozs wailing his behind off looking like the Champ he's gonna be and he Champ his momma is. Can you believe I was walking all bouts New York five centimeters dilated talking 'bout 'I have to eat, shyt, I'm hungry.' my doctor, Dr. Anzai, says to me, ms. l----, you're five centimeters dilated, you have to go to labor and delivery. I was like, nicca what, nicca who? But I bet you i took my ass right to McDonald's talking about, may i have a cheeseburger and a small sprite. sat my ass down and ate. Went right back up there, asked for another cheeseburger and ate that in the cab to the hospital. a chick was hungry and I know there weren't even going to try to feed it up in the hospital. i had a trick or two for their asses. so, get there around 12 noon and i'mma chilling, laughing it up with the nursing staff enjoying this so call 'painful' experience. but fatima (my nurse) was like, hah, trick, you don't know what you have gotten yourself into. so my doctor's wife, who is also a obgyn comes in talking about, ms. l---- we are going to rupture your membrane, okay. I'm like chick, what you gon' do? so, her ass, just comes in with this long ass pipe cleaning like thing poking me in my privates. I'm like, what the bloodclot. i think i saw Christ himself. i ain't lying. The contractions were coming, coming fast and hard. now normally, i wouldn't mind certain things coming fast and hard but this wasn't one of those 'certain' things. oh how i wanted to reach up there and snatch shawty out. but, i digress. five hours later accompanied by a nice dosage of my new best friend, epideral, shawty was staring up in my face, talking about what the hell is this and who the hell are you? to that i replied, I'm momma. he looked at me and said, nicca please and went to sleep. he had a hard time coming out... he came out though, ripping (literally and figuratively) and roaring. HOLLA! He is his mother's child.

hey...miss me?!!

2004-10-25T13:49:00.000-07:00

nope, no shawty yet. he gave me a run for my money... a quick cut-to preview. short version... tuesday morning, oct. 12 at work, 9 am in the morn.... contractions... five mins. apart. they rush me to the hosp. for i was 2 cent. dialated. needless to say, shawty was tryiing to make an early apperance. four days in the hosp. and thousands of dollars later.... no baby and i'm on bed rest. shawty is healthy and happy and well tucked away in the uterus. my dr. say i should be back relatively soon... what the hell does that mean? isn't the evident? anyway, i will try to keep you all that care posted. love ya!!!

2004-09-28T08:01:00.000-07:00

I need a man without a pecker

sidenote:
I should sell my vote on ebay. I feel as if it would be wasting it anyway, might as well benefit from it. Kerry has continuously let the republican party define his campaign. He has done nothing but blast bush on every aspect of bush’s campaign and has provided his own hide as bait. So the f what? We all know bush is the antichrist, Kerry, needn’t convince us of that. What you need to do is convince us that you aren’t one of the antichrist’s henchmen.

I’m starting the bid at 100 bucks.

resume:
So, back to a man without a pecker…. Not to get too graphic. Ever since the conception of Shawty, I haven’t the desire for relations. No, let me break the severity of it down…. I find sex repulsive. Like thinking about sex to me brings me close to convulsion induced vomiting. I am not worried to the extent that I have contacted my GP about remedies because I have no one to have relations with anyway. I am not certain that this is a phase for it feels very permanent. But, either way, I just do not care…hence my hunt of the pecker less man. My child is going to find this one day, undoubtedly, before she/he is ready to read the truth about mommy dearest, s/he will think I’m either queer, bi-polar or (insert modern-day slang meaning bugging). My nookie is out of commission. (been out of commission for like six months now…) Like I once heard a good friend of mine say…. I’m tired of being humped on. The only time I can remember some good coming from being humped is the conception of Shawty. So I guess when I am ready to have another Shawty, I will commence to being humped. Any peckerless men reading? Being a mathematician in addition to being peckerless…. BIG +.

a theory, an answer.. something... give me something!

2004-09-20T07:52:00.000-07:00

like my new found friend and fellow bronxican, X.... I love reality shows.. .well not all... just real world, class reunion, maybe once in a while, surreal life with washed up c-list actors and actresses... i was recently viewing the real world san diego, @#$* they should have aired.... or something like that. and on their, jacquese, whom i still believe redeemed the black man stereotype of real world past (possibly future) was chatting about the 'ism'. now.... i never heard about this ism in which he rants about. but what got me was when he mentioned, i quote ' the jewelry and the toolery'. . that is that ish right there. nj represent. I am swore up and down i wouldn't get hooked on this damn season of real world, but i failed. can someone please tell me why and how do some gay men get the lisp... I even asked my male friend who is gay, what the hell is up with the lisp... please tell me. he just keeled over in laughter which pissed me off, damn ass-bastard. i'm figuring he doesn't really know so avoidance or he was probably wondering the same damn thing and just expressed that with clutching his belly and rolling off the bed. he then mentioned to me that i sounded like a white person asking a black person, why do you speak in slang... it is a cultural thing that some adopt while others don’t. i said... 'um'. and left that at that before i say something to sail my ass up ish creek.

being that the time is winding down until baby is with us in the flesh, i'm beginning, now, my punk ass, to get scared. like the 'what ifs'. like what if he wants to move out to live with his father when he gets older. or what if he moves far far away and i never see him? I will be torn. i don't know. these hormones have me acting the fool. no one told me about this right here. nor did anyone informed me about having the pee like a race house every ninety minutes. running to the bathroom only to deliver little squirts like i'm marking my got damn territory. Further more, shawty was moving so much this morning i really thought he was trying to escape... and when he finally did stop moving, i thought to myself..'dang, did he fall out?'.... I had to look just to make sure. For all those who wonder, he is safe, tucked and well hidden.
So i was talking to my bf Thel about how out of our high school click, say about 12 of us, only two out of the 12 grew up with their father. that shit got my skin bubbling. Now, thel, she also has a child, baby girl about 2 years old. Her and her baddy tried to make things work.... like her ass really tried. I mean she tried to the point where people were questioning her sanity. but still, things didn't work out. she grew up with a mia dad as well. now i have tried to work things out with baddy, but after two tries, i said bump it. i'm tired and i'm older and i need to prepare my mind and spirit for something bigger than a skewed romantic relationship with someone who obviously sought more meaning in the clubs than i care to be considered. my dad was mia for about 12 yrs of my life... a good chunk. only to rear his head at my college graduation. unbelievable. there isn't a sound difference between our mia and the baddys. even though both of our baby's father have been there and have plans to remain, this is no guarantee. we were discussing this trying to figure out what the hell is it.... like is it a cycle or is it something more complex and involved. i asked my mom last night, ' when you and the mia met up again, weren’t you upset with him leaving you to fend by yourself with two heads of kids?' she said no. she had no time to be upset. maybe i'm not progressive enough to understand but i just don't understand.... is it because black women are use to 'doing it for ourselves' that we refuse to put in due effort to make a relationship, thus a family, work? is it a joint fugg-up? or is it our bad choices in men? i don't know. i don't bail out on taking fault but on this one, i'm stumped. why is it that the black family is high-tailing from existence?

Petey Pablo and I need to get together to make more babies

2004-09-15T08:56:00.000-07:00

I don’t think ppl really understand how little I know about baddy.. now don’t go calling me a slut or fast or harlot…well at least not to my face because I know some of yall will call me something either way. Shawty was a pure accident. Unplanned. I knew baddy for only a short period of time before the conception despite contraception used. Take heed… condoms aren’t always enough. Ya need to insulate,…. You know, double up or by golly triple up on the birth control. We knew the basics but there was no introductions of parents. I wasn’t really feeling him like that at the time. I just thought he was a good looking guy, decent citizens and he had his shit together… well, for the most part. That right there is why I’m glad he is the father, if for no other reason at all. shawty’s father is a stand-up kind of guy. Now, just this doesn’t make him the one for me… we are never going to walk down the aisle together, never live in the same house. We will take family pictures and have family meetings etc, but the buck stops there. There are set backs in this all. I have no real desire to get to know his family. None whatsoever. I don’t see the point, probably won’t ever see it either. And I doubt if they have any reason to even want to get to know me. I have met his immediate family because I thought that was pertinent. I’m pretty sure shawty will have to spend time at least with his Nana. Now baddy wants to have his cousin baby-sit. I’m like, I don’t know her. And even if I did, I don’t know her enough to trust her with my only child. Sorry dude. I know it will save money but not my peace of mind. He thinks I’m being rude and feel that my family is more suitable than his. Very f-ing possible. Why the f she don’t got no job? (that was the only way to ask that question) is she disable? No. does she have infants at home? No. is she between jobs? no. nah, dude. That is okay. I’m not having idle folks around shawty just for the sake of saving pennies, dude, it isn’t worth it. I would rather pay the 19 grand I was telling yall about before. Get on my nerves. Ugh, I’m so anti men right now.

I'm going to post some pictures soon... gross some of you all out. have some of you really twice thinking childbearing.

So, I have just finish reading ‘The Lovely Bones’ by Alice Seabold… great read. I’m now reading ‘The Five People You Meet in Heaven’ by Mitch Albom. actually i just finished reading it and i was not as impressed as i thought i should be for $7. I don’t understand my new founded interest in the views of death. I don’t know if I realize now more than ever that I’m quite vincible, and, yes, my bowels can smell horrible… I’m still waiting for more things to be revealed to me, ya know, help me understand how I got here. Am I too old to self-reflect and, on some, level ask for pardon for my blatant mistakes? I feel like it is too late to want to clean house and maybe I should just move the hell out and let someone else deal with the mess left behind. Maybe I’m being pretentious. Nah, that can’t be it…I’m marvelous: I just have some issues that need some tending to.

so, here are the five things i plan to do in the five days after i give birth:

day 1: sleep on my belly
day 2: cut my toenails
day 3: join a gym
day 4: dye my hair
day 5: go shopping!!

Alright, let me go fella shopping. I need to find me a beautiful mathematician so we me can make some beautiful quantitative love... Ciao, belles

2004-09-09T09:36:00.000-07:00

Thank you all for the happy birthday wishes. Thank you individually, Z (Xquizzyt1, for you all who didn't know...i just made that up, play along) MsThing (P.I.C.), the Kid, Mrs. Pearson (dang it, i'm lazy... i'm pregnant... i'mma milk this until i can not) and Rhapsodi… I had a great one! I had a splendid evening and I felt so appreciative of life all at once. It wasn’t just the phone calls, text messages or emails, but it was more so that just this time ten years ago, I was going through… through it all… just trying to find myself and be understood and understand others. It was a process because I didn’t understand that that shit wasn’t near vital to anything… not to whom I was, who I loved and what it all mattered. I just wanted to be accepted and liked. But, at this juncture in my life, I can tell anybody kiss my ass and never look back because believe me, I told you to kiss my ass, you weren’t much of anything to shed a second thought over anyway. But it also would take a lot to get me to that point that I would be willing to tell anybody I have developed some type of kinship with to kiss my ass and not look back. I once was hot-tempered… spit fiyah, a fighter…. I was highly emotional; I mean I incorporated every extreme of emotions in my daily life. if I wasn’t extremely happy, mad or sad in one day, something was off. Today, I think I’m pretty leveled. I’m still working on me though, but the different is, I’m not working on me for others, but working on me for me. Holla, got damnit!

So yesterday the city was under siege of torrential downpour. Oh my Lord. My usual 40 min commute was converted into 2hrs and 23 mins. The trains were brought to a standstill because of flooding on the tracks. And then you have the inapt pa system that was blaring from not only the trains themselves but also from platform management…. Not only blaring but blaring incorrect information. Had my black ass running up and down steps like I was getting paid to do that shit. Shawty was through… kicking and moving… because of over stimuli…. with the bouncing, the noise and me overheating I know Shawty was just as weary. I was so tired and frustrated and soaked… I really want to just squat Indian style in the middle of 34th street and cry it was just that overwhelming. Not to mention, I woke up late and had to rush after having a bad dream about a kangaroo chasing me for what seemed to be all night. I just couldn’t get away from this damn kangaroo. Somebody, please tell me what the hell that means?!! Anyway, this is how my 28th birthday started off.. shitty!
Let me tell you how God is mysterious. I have been fretting over childcare for shawty for when (if?) I go back to work. Like who can I trust and will I be able to afford. I was looking for a daycare center because I have no family members in the area who does not work or anyone who I know just had a child and have already obtained a trustworthy (so we all hope) caregiver. But I did know of centers … ones I couldn’t afford. Or could afford but I wouldn’t dare because it is highway robbery. One of them wanted $19,000 a year. I said cot damn. That is almost the cost of my college education for a year except that included books, room, board and health insurance. Now tell me, how am I to milk at $19,000 investment in a 4 month old baby? One that can not walk talk or shit on its own?!! I felt disrespected when that lady told me the tuition. So I said well this should be the high end of the going rate. So the low end has to be around $10,000. I’m not paying this.. I refuse. The cheapest I have found is for a home daycare for about $ 800 for weekdays. Now, being that my mom is off on wed and baddy is off on Thursday, that only leaves 3 days for day care services so that should run us …let’s see…. 800/20=$40 a day * 3 =120 * 4 =480. (Mathematics is orgasmic…mathematics and I can really get something going). Now, 480 a month, I can deal. That is a bargain to me. Only thing is, I don’t know this lady… she might try to kidnap my baby and I will have to kill her and there will be a big trial that will last for years and it will have rallies demanding my release, I wouldn’t see shawty until he is five and then by that time, baddy would probably have erased all memories of me because he is, after all, a bastid. Okay, all else is possible but baddy isn’t a bastid,… or is he? Hummm…jokes!!! So walking to work today, this lady that has been my mom’s friend for the longest has opened up her daycare service. She has babysat my sister’s kids before they turn of age but she had refuse infants because the daycare center in which she worked didn’t have the staff to infant ratio. She asked me if I had any plans for the baby and I said, none yet. She said well, you know I have my own service now. If I see you or your mom, I will give you the info you need. This doesn’t guarantee anything but, whew yall! For real..! the location is perfect if this does come into fruition. This means I won’t have to purchase a car until I move from my mother which could also mean I can get one new instead of used or…or …. I can purchase property and still buy a used car. *slow motion for me, slow motion for me, move it slow motion for me* So if this truly does work out…. I have known the lady for years, respect her and if anything happens, I don’t think many people would miss her if she never returned from her trip to the market. *wink * God is a good God.

long time

2004-09-07T09:06:00.000-07:00

I had a great three day weekend, you know, being that my days are now full of endless misery. I’m big, yall… just really BIG. I’m all baby as of now but still… I feel as if I’m carrying a cubed fridge in my midsection and I’m suffering.

My high school brothers had a bbq on Sunday. Now, this wasn’t your ordinary bbq. It was thrown together in a matter of three days…. They decided on Thursday that they should have something to tie up the end of summer. Now, I will admit, the confidence in my brothers to do this was damn near non-existent, but somehow they pulled it off. I mean I was thoroughly impressed…. The food, the music, the turnout, everything was well done… They are making it into an annual event and next year, so it was said, they will tie it in with my birthday (yeah, my birthday is tomorrow...:) It was about 15 of us from high school, guests and guests of guests. And then, you saw all of these little ones running around. I was like, well, got damn! Is this a damn nursery or what? I never realized how we have all grown up. Jobs, responsibilities, families… just pure craziness. I have known these ppl more than half of my life, when they had pimples and crack voices,… I even cussed a few of them out …. And now they are raising their own little ppl, planning and making ways out of no way. So by this time next year, at least two of us will have new additions to the Walton High School family, (bx, represent). And we all have become surrogate parents to each other kids and I don’t believe any of use would change that for the world.

Speaking of birthdays, I will be 28 tomorrow. Ten years ago, I was just entering college, naïve as all get out and still a ‘good girl’. Fast forward ten yrs from then, working (or some form of that) at the same firm for the pass six years, tad bit thicker, hell of a lot wiser and yes, with child. Ten years professes a lot… more than I would like to remember and a whole lot more than I would like to admit. I saw the ex again at the bbq…. Looking very handsome in his canary yellow polo shirt. Although he still makes my heart go pitter-patter and how I once thought him ‘the one’, I have come to the realization I was sorely mistaken. I never knew how my feelings for him would become so trivialized. If I had felt just a nudge of my shawty’s foot, head, ass, elbow, ear, whatever, in my belly, my attention was snatched back to baby and I would rub until I felt he was as at his most comfortable. This is when I really realize that I won’t be dating for a long ass time. I’m too all up under shawty, too concerned and involved to the extent that I wouldn’t allow myself to share my resources with anyone else…. My money, my time, my attention, my affection, my devotion… it isn’t something I’m willing to part with for anyone except for shawty. This shit might sound weird for folks without kids, but when you have your little one, you will understand in its totality.
Baddy is taking me out for my birthday. Go right on ahead. I was never the one to turn down food and a flick. I know my biological father is going to call me on the ninth instead of the eighth, like he has for the past ten-twelve years, and I will be piss paul mad, AGAIN. My mother will give me a card with 29 bucks in it, the money I just gave her for herself. My sister probably will call if she isn’t still mad. My nieces will make me cards from the cardboard of their shoeboxes (the most anticipated gift). This birthday is so much more special than the pervious ones…. So much joy I have been filled with and so much more to be thankful for. My little doggie, Texas, birthday is September 9th…us lovely ass Virgos… don’t hate. God, how freaking wonderful are we?!! No, seriously… how wonderful are we?!! (p~) He and I will share some birthday cake as well and I will also take him to get groomed. He deserves it. Yes, I’m one of those crazy dog ppl, too.

Here I am* doing that same ole two step *

2004-08-26T08:15:00.000-07:00

So, I was walking to work this morning thinking about how I’m going to explain to Shawty about the many, many mistakes I have made. And just as I looked at my mother when I was a mere teenager discounting everything she said, I know I will get that same absent stare and look of oblivious when I try to school him on the going-ons of Earth. Oh well. I’m going to tell Shawty, listen… you are going to do some stupid things… that much I can almost guarantee,….but please don’t be foolish and don’t be anyone’s fool. Make mistakes and shi because that is where core lessons are learnt but please refrain from being anyone’s fool. I think about the times where in relationships I would tend to lose my damn mind. Pining over no good niccas like they were worth each and every tear shed. Fuck that! I think about some of the more recent ones (all of those prior to me turning 21 doesn’t count…. I was suppose to be empty-headed) and I chuckle. Like one of them, (why did I even stay that long will forever be beyond me) crazy possessive ‘manipulative bastard’…. I think he would have tried to kill me. Another, stalker loon…’crazy as a fox’. Homeboy showed up at my door and waited for me for two hours….UNINVITED. Now… I should have known better with the following… one of them ‘issues having’ male Taurus. Have more issues that one can ever imagine. Didn’t have a job and damn it if he wasn’t near in a rush to get one either. And, ‘a whore on a hunt’… supposedly looking for love… he’s gonna mess around and find his penis missing. I’m surprised that crap hasn’t fell off already. Maybe it has and that is why homeboy can’t keep a girl. Lmao. And the ‘Jewish boy’, another issue having Taurus… and on top of that, homeboy had a strange body odor that just crept up and held your breathing process hostage. Now, ‘halitosis man’…good gawd…. Now that is an odor I will never forget. Nice as all get out but homeboy and his breath, lawd…. I never experience funktafied to that degree inmelife! Don’t get it twisted; I can admit some wrong shi I have done. With ‘manipulative bastard’ and ‘a whore on a hunt’ I did some dirt but damn if they and their actions didn’t warrant it. And if given the opportunity to do it all over again, these are the same two mfs I wouldn’t have glanced at once never mind twice. Lol. Like André 3000 said, ‘I’m just being honest’. Now there are two that I have met subsequent to my 21st birthday who are far removed from me saying anything but good things. If I cannot say anything nice or pleasant, it would be said about them for noted reasons. ‘My first love’ and ‘baddy’. My first love (and I know Sheron is tired of hearing about him) was the bomb.,.. period, end of story. Love him still, more than my momma’s cook food…. Even now being pregnant and all. I don’t know if I would or could love that hard, that deep, that strong, romantically, ever again. If I don’t, it would be a shame but I will still be at peace because I was able to experience a love I had no idea existed. Baddy is the father of Shawty. There is no one that can match the amount of love of have for him for giving me Shawty. I will always care deeply for him and he will always be a priority in my life because of Shawty…. There is no one person that will ever change that. Not even if I get married to someone else. Prior to me and dude tying the knot, this is something that has to be understood. If it cannot be understood, then we cannot be together. Shawty’s well being trumps all that of other’s.

the champ is here!

2004-08-23T11:36:00.000-07:00

Okay, read this article. Omg this mf actually takes care of his child. What has the world come to when a person *gasp* behaves in a responsible manner?!! This article is enough to make you wanna slap everybody in arms distance…. A long read, it is, but it is worth it. The author is really tugging for the reader to actually believe that this guy here deserves a big pat on his shoulder,…. a real hoorah. I can not, with all the greatness in me, and that of black people accept this bare minimal. I can’t allow anyone to think that good enough is our finishing line with the belief that the status quo is what we strive for.

I don’t get it… I really don’t. I don’t know if I’m supposing to or not or if it is even possible. There isn’t a discussion or even room for one when it comes to my responsibility to raise Shawty. There is one certainty; I will raise Shawty,….come hell or high water. There is no doubt, there is no reservation… Shawty will be raised by me, if me alone. I will do my best, with God standing firmly by my side and my love of Baby (which, if you haven’t gathered already, is unbending, dogmatic and resounding) as my foundation.

My lovely father, yes, the one and only, claims he wants to be in the delivery room when I give birth… simple answer: hell no! I don’t want anybody in there except for me and the doctor and maybe a nurse or two. What the fuck you wanna be there for? As I recalled, you didn’t even want a daughter when I was born, mf. Leave me alone! He really wants me to spaz the hell out.

Anyway, I’m miserable. I’m so uncomfortable and tired and worn and moody. I’m ready to deliver and I still have three months to go. How bad can it really get?
Babydaddy is all up in my grill. I’m trying to be tolerant but for some reason that is being misconstrued as ‘come hither’… I’m like, no. No thanks, that is quite alright. Peace I’m good…. lol!! I just want him to be an attentive father, patient and available. That is all… nothing more. This wasn’t planned; we didn’t have an agenda in set, roll, play mode. We were just in the moment and God said, here… since you two wanna act like you are married, let me bless you, pretend husband and wife, with a child. And I said, gladly and babydaddy said oh, shi! baddy (babydaddy) is still saying oh shi! while I have accepted that fate handed to me like a champ (the champ is here!) my going to the club, drinking and hanging out, chilling in smoked-filled bars ended when the doctor confirmed my pending motherhood. There wasn’t a grace period for me to chill and think about it and get that oochie wally out of my system, or for me to wean myself off of the vodka. I said; God, this is a blessing… I know it as nothing, absolutely nothing else and I promise you as you have allowed this baby come to me, I would perform my maternal duties as best as I possibly can. And even though I crave for coffee like a caffeine fien and I would love to 'get lo'' at the club and my goodness, how I would love to spend my savings on a seven-day vaca in the Caymans, that shit isn’t an option. I really think baddy is trying to get it together, I really believe so. And how sad that it is too late. Right now, all he can be to me is present and for his child, visible. I think he just wants to be there and pretend to be a family. I don’t fake shit… I’m straightforward. And I damn sure have no desire to present falsehoods before my child. The only way I can provide for him in a nurturing, emotionally-healthy state is for me to be at the very least, to be the same, emotionally healthy.

I was taking notice of the younger generations just to tweak my mommy-ism. Teenagers. What the hell has taken over them? Now, I live in New Jersey but I stay with my mom a few days out of the week in the Bronx because if I need anything, she is there, you know… JIC. I don’t know if it is the demographic (I do know, just humor me) or what the hell seems to be the problem, issue, matter but these knuckleheads have lost their minds. Just a lack of respect for others… these kids do no care about anyone but themselves and I might even question that. They virtually have sex on the middle of the sidewalk. Leave plates and coffee mugs in the vestibule of my mom’s building and apparently they are gang members because they have their gang -colored do-rags tied to the trees outside. They are outside, holding down the sidewalk from 8am to 2am. They do no attend school, in fact, I heard one of them saying that he is ‘tired’ and that is why he prefers to waste his life away chilling like a dummy on a bucket instead of education. Now, I do not know where the parents are… I know half of them do not live around there so I’m guessing there isn’t a stable home for them to even call on. But I do believe someone is feeding them, clothing them and housing them. I fail to understand how a 15 – 16 year-old can just stroll up in their momma’s, grandmomma’s, whomever’s home all times of night, without a job or a hobby or a volunteer cause to report about and expect to be clothe fed and housed. Like, how does this system works? Now, I can’t say what I will or will not being doing 15-16 yrs from now, but as I stand here before you today, I can say there is no way a 15,16,17,18 whatever age you are, living in my house, eating my food, breathing my air, using up my electricity that you are going to stroll up in my house whatever time you feel like it is appropriate. My household doesn’t get down like that. And if you do not appreciate and abide by my rules, you can pack up whatever trinkets you have bought with your own money and leave. This isn’t hotel 6. But, you see, I won’t have that problem…. My child is going to be as problem-free as me :). I gave my mom nothing to worry about. All of that said above will be used as a scare tactic. My child will have no reason to fear me, but he will fear my wrath. *Wink*

Also, a nothing thing I have noticed…. Parents dressing their kids up as little men and women. My bff informed me last night that J.Lo has little pants for nine, ten year olds with the thong strings sewn into then so that they peak out just from above the waste line. She also has little halter-tops for toddlers. I’m like what? What sex appeal does a child under 14 needs to display? Ain’t shit cute about that. In fact, it is pretty scary. I am asking God for three things to prepare me for parenthood: patience, understanding and a whole heap of love because as talib kweli says ‘They need somethin to rely on, we get high on all types of drug, when, all you really need is love.' godspeed

**********************
*Praying for Sheron and her family*

2004-08-19T09:36:00.000-07:00

i have one of those days where you are sat down by reality and how real and tangible everything around has became. i have been having that kind of week.... where i can see and touch and feel and taste every second of my day. i have been having such horrible chest pains and i haven't gotten upset and blame baby at all. just deal. and it was the second in which i shrugged it off that i realized that all along, this baby isn't here for my purpose, this is my baby this isn't my child, but one of Gods sent through me to nature and mold into one of his fearing creature. i have only been the mean to the ends. i can bitch and complain all up and down this day but this is God's plan so i might as well yell my complaints to ocean because there is where it has stayed.

i have begin trying to stay positive about baby daddy. just not talking badly about him to anyone just maintaining a happy disposition for my health and the health of the baby. i also don't want to be one of those moms that has nothing but bad things to say about baby daddy. i want his action to prove it either way. my child, undoubtedly with a mom like me, will be intelligent and observant to know what is right wrong or otherwise. i trust he will make his sole sound judgment and keep it moving. i was carrying some groceries home today... two heavy bags but not heavy enough where i hear pops and clicks in my neck and shi, but heavy enough to know i shouldn't be carrying these heavy ass bags. i think this is only the beginning, the physical, of said burden within the blessing, I have yet to experience in its entirety. and in even knowing that i shouldn't have been the one carrying those bags... that baby daddy, sister to baby momma or anyone else could/should have been there to help carry those bags, that isn't/ hasn't been the case. im going to be the one carrying the emotional burden, the mental burden, the spiritual burden of my seed. and to say the lease, i'm honored. i love my child.... there is nothing i can imagine i wouldn't do for it. i wish every parent felt that way... the immense amount of love and self sacrifice that you can muster up and place that on the value of whatever you do for your child. thinking about it, i wonder if that is how my mom felt... like she was willing to dodge bullets to protect her girls. i can't even think about that right now,... i'm already an mess. my kid is going to think i'm a emotional wreck. but that is okay... that are many moons to mother i'm sure he will find out.

i have been one mean bitch. lol. and i don't care. i'm like look, shit, i'm tired. i can't clip my toenails, what else you want me to be? joyful? anyway, at the pizza place you know, eating a pizza and this guy comes up to me asking me for some change. no, mother...excuse my language... 1) do not invade my space especially while i'm eating... you might just end up dying, bleeding to death from the cut my toes done shanked you with 2) i'm pregnant....no further explanation needed 3) your gear is fresher and flyer than mine, hawk some of that shi... like that jansport bookbag you have on your back, nicca. he can't be that hungry.... you sur'll is shaking that cup with much vigor.

imma title this,...the kicks in my belly

2004-08-09T07:56:00.000-07:00

My weekend was one of those in which you wish you could forget but there is always someone who wants to remind of it. My sister and I got into it. I wanted to knock her the f out. yeah, all six months pregnant of me wanted to get up and punch her square in her face… it was just one of those nights were I wasn’t in the mood to be messed with. Now, when I’m going through these periods, these little slight mood swings, I usually warn ppl, don’t fuck with me. I’m tired, my dog just died… leave me alone. So, she’s getting her drink on, feeling froggy and wanted to start something… mind you, we are at my mom’s place and I’m very respectful of my mom and her place… in other words, I don’t cuss in my mom’s presence nor do I cuss in her house when I think she is in ear shot. But Friday night, the devil was tempting me. I was saying shit and fuck and apologizing right along with it. My mom tried her best to squelch things but we still were going at it. Funny how I still want to punch my sister in the face today but I love her and like her no less. I must excuse my sister for her misstep, because obviously, she didn’t know whom it was she was fing with.

Baby is chilaxing. Kicking me in the bladder, but hey, what is new. Im tired of being tired, of running to the bathroom every hour on the hour, of having the rest after a few steps taking, of having to sleep on my side because sleeping on my back makes me feeling like I’m about to drown or even sleeping on my sides makes my damn legs go numb, my belly itching so badly I feel like taking a hard bristle brush and go to town on it. I want my body back, damnit!! I would do it thrice over for shawty, though. Big up to all women. I now understand why God gave us the ability to bare children….

2004-08-02T09:07:00.000-07:00

imma tell you this much... if you are becoming a mom, be prepared to turn into a b.b. (bonafide bitch). everyone has questions about my decisions on having a child, one, two, out of wedlock and three in new york city. now, this might be a surprise to us progressive folks, but there still lie a few dumbasses who deem it their business in finding out the method to my madness. when i first found out i was expecting, all types of emotions went through me in a fing nanosecond and the only feel left within me was anticipation followed by joy. needless to say, i didn't know what the hell i was getting into. i still don't know. but i laid down, did the do, fully aware of the possibilities, and now behaving in a responsible manner. i.e., i don't believe in abortions. had i, this blog wouldn't exist.

not to be preachy, but this is my blog so...

"..... one in three African American pregnancies end in abortion, that over 1,200 black children die every day, and an estimated 70 percent of abortion providers are in minority neighborhoods." said Star Parker, a member of Care Net's board of directors. "Abortion in the black community has become a form of genocide." - sleep on that.

as i was saying, motherhood turns the average woman into stupen-dor bitch... you don't give a flying f about anything anyone has to say. you don't feel a need to answer any ones questions with words, just actions if it is called upon. you honestly feel like it is you and your shawty against the world and act as if so. in the words of my dear friend Mary 'you gangsta, andrea' why, thank you, Mary. ... *inhale* baby daddy and i parted ways. and i don't give a fuk either, though, i sincerely wish i did. i'm like good... i feel so relieved... not about to put up with any ones shit... trust. and am even less readied to put up with whatever shit you are about to give my child. my coworker told me today that the reason why i don't have a man is because i won't let a man be a man. i said, sure i do.... you can clutch your peanuts and watch football all you want, but i would be one desperate ass b. if i let some man come up in my space and even think about pissing on me... ain't gonna happen. i will cut him clear across the face, father or no father before i let that happened. i will not let my child think that me settling for 'good enough' is even an option. not when i know there is better. even if i'm never with another man for the rest of my life, i can feel comfortable knowing i didn't settle for mediocrity... and i can champion that for my child, if him alone. i can show him better than i can tell him. he would know that his mom wasn't settling for no grade d meat.... subpar treament and lackluster handling. i will not lead it to believe that we do not need love or affection or commitment, but all of these things are well and good in healthy doses. that you cant love no body how ever much you want to love them, but love them only how much they let you. if it is none, then you get your ass to stepping. it really isn't that hard. trust me,... i'm still learning. i'm not looking forward to these discussion... where i'm telling my daughter... 'i could have told you that ni**a was no good' or my son 'she ain't nothing but a scally wag, anyway'. *exhale* i do sound bitter. i'm just so infuriated that he, not me, allowed this to happen. we both grow up without a father and as he tell it, he wanted to stop the cycle. i too, wanted and still want that. but at what cost? i know and feel and live the affects of absentee dad every day of my life... still years later. i wanted more for my child, if just that much more. i can taste the words of 'kiss my ass' on the tip of my lips every time i talk to the sperm donor....every time i speak with him. wanting to ask him... 'what the fuck you want, nigga? stop calling me!... you didn't have a need or want or desire to be all up in my grill ten, fifteen years ago, so what is your need now? leave me alone!' i don't want the animosity or hate or disdain to be felt ... it isn't a good feeling to want to spit in person's face who gave you life. but big up to my momma for saying ain't no way in this hell or that one daddy-o was going to shi on her. holla mama! if i'm taught anything by today's events is life is one big joke that nobody is laughing at.

okay... the rant is over and it is four days since i wrote the above. whew... that took a lot out out of me. i'm less angry today and baby daddy has really been trying to play it cool... if only he knew what i knew....he had the nerve to tell me he is having a hard time coming to terms with change. i'm like your medieval ass... we all do. does he think i'm ready to be a parent... hell nah! probably will never be ready to be one. but i would be damned if my child ever thinks anything less of my abilities. my mom says i am picking fights only because i'm pregnant. i said momma, you and i both know i would pop somebody in the mouth pregnant or not. i got that shi from you.... she just laughed because she knows it is true. the apple and the tree. alright, baby and i are about to bounce. we have to go eat...well i have to go eat... i'm 25wks this coming wednesday. baby is moving like a rolling stone... everyday, my love for shawty grows more intense and i cry happy tears whenever i sing to it or read to it or just rub my belly while it tears in my insides up with the throwing of 'bows... i haven't cried happy tears in ten years plus. I was watching joel osteen last night, you know, the lakeview, tx minster, and he was talking about how when you are done wrong by the haters, God blesses and restores you ten times over... that is why/what Shawty is, a blessing ten times over. now haters, including you, you lame touche, top that. love you, MsThing!!!

haven't forgot about you either, Joy, Shun and Ranada!!! I will be by soon!! take care and muuaahh!

this that and the third

2004-07-26T11:49:00.000-07:00

It has been a sawed off adventure telling my ex’s that I’m expecting. You can always tell the ones who are genuinely happy for you and those who think you have driven a stake through their little itty bitty hearts. It is interesting to see in the least. I’m trying to regain some sense on normalcy with the ex’s that are now friends. I don’t want our friendship to be affected but im not performing any backbreaking stunts to prevent their egos from being bruised. Ya obviously didn’t care that much to begin with….. only right after you realized your ship has most definitely sailed. But all well I hope ends well. If not, aww well.

At the club the other night, my boy’s birthday party, his brother, my ex, was there chilling… with his hussy girlfriend… did I say hussy? Yeah, I did! Well hussy must have known that I was the notorious ex that broke her current boyfriend’s heart back in high school for she sure was throwing mad shade. I was like honey, Ise very pregnant but my fist ain’t, so tread lightly. Plus, your ass brand new…. I was her ‘honey’s’ first love… and that I will always be and he will be mine, so chalk that up to your loses. Anyway, back to the ex….He was there and he wasn’t to please with my pregnant state. I guess he was hoping me barren for the rest of my days and I just so happened to break his curse. Evil begets evil, damnit. Plus I got the Lord on my side, so take that. Side note: I sure do miss him.

So, I have tried to set up this stupid Upromise crap to begin saving for Shawty’s education. I don’t know if I’m doing this right, but this junk doesn’t seem to be working. I haven’t accumulated a damn cent yet and I have had this crap up for more than a month and I’m the credit/debit card queen, let me tell it. If anybody has been through this Upromise bid, please hit a sista up and help a sista out… thanks!! Shawty says.... 'One.'

revelations and other shi

2004-07-19T08:24:00.000-07:00

I really got to stop cussing.... i will... before baby is born... and i can because i have will-power, damnit!

you know... everyday all damn day, i feel shawty move, twirling a banton in my damn belly dropping it, picking it up, twirling it, dropping it... never ending saga. i'm ready to pop... all of this is making me damn near crazy but... i loves shawty... can i be a ride or die mom? a do or die momma? shawty might say... 'nah ma, get your own geriatric posse and allow me to shoot these hoops, dun.' as long as he has subject verb agreements and the proper use of prepositions, it is all good. he can talk that new age jive all it wants. So, i went out on sat. to the club. yeah, all of five months pregnant... but my homeboy's girlfriend had a surprised birthday party for him at this expensive ass club and, i have known him more than half of my life, so i couldn't not go. had a good time.... shawty didn't because it kicked punched and elbowed me to whole damn night. even after i go home, it was still twirking and dropping that got damn banton. so needless to say, no more clubbing until shawty is born...at the very, very least. i don't want to be like its father and shawty asking where i'm at and somebody telling them go check at the club and crazy shit like that. that will never...like me reiterate, NEVER be the case sure is my name's what my name is. other than that, nothing more has transpire... well in accordance with shawty. i'm tired as hell. wonder sometimes how i manage to get up and down to go to the bathroom five six seven eight times a day. i'm slowly beginning to favor the grinch in 'how the grinch stole christmas'... yeah... my belly is that BIG in proportion to my very slender build. nah, i'm lying... my body isn't near slender... more like a fender bender... what can i expect when i'm delivering a miracle... i bet you men wish you can say that.

so, the whole marriage thing came up more time than i thought it would being that we are all progressive and stuff... (i'm lying and talking a whole lot of bull but just let me speak on it). so my mom, in all of her glory, asked me about marriage. i'm calmly told her i never knew a wedding band to take care of a baby in my life. i'm not in love with the father. i love him dearly, but i'm not in love with him. i'm not going to marry near a body just to get a divorce, to cave in to societal pressure that is so hypocritical in nature that for me to even begin i would have to use all nine lives of mine. and i'm already operating on life five. if he wants to be a good father, attentive one, a patient one... we don't have to marry for him to do so. i'm trying to raise my child to be healthy, productive, proud, honest, outstanding and most importantly, loved.... with the least amount of confusion as possible. i will not present before shawty lies of enormous amounts so it can feels a sense of security (fake, it nothing more). i don't think my baby will understand a lot of my decisions and will probably blame me until Christ walks the earth again but i'm going to do what i think is best for me which i believe will be best for it. okay, enough before i start bawling over here. it is amazing how emotional i have gotten since becoming pregnant... one might mistake me for a punk... but don't get it twisted, i will f something up.... toodles.

and so it goes....

2004-07-12T09:07:00.000-07:00

NOTE: okay, i do believe in free speech, but if anyone ever questions my mothering and/or my mothering ablity, you are going to wish you hadn't. if anyone has anything to say about shawty, don't... it will be in your best interest. believe me. kay? good!

now that is out the way....
so, i went to see shawty wednesday,... i'm 21 wks and shawty is looking marvelous. eating, yawning stretching, pushing my intestines and bladder out of the way to make room for its one toe. i stayed strong and resilent agains the pressure of temptation... meaning, i didn't request the knowledge of the sex. God is always on the side of the right. from this point on, it is all about waiting for the arrival.... for the meeting of the eyes when that visual connection is made. nothing is prepared because i really don't know where i'm living... so i have a pile of crap at my mom's house in my old room. when shawty arrives, that will be our room for two wks until i'm good and tired of my mom correcting everything i do. i will then bid her farewell and do things on my own. guy is weakening under the pending arrival... hard ass and so full of it knowing he has never been this in love with anything or anyone as much as he loves this baby. the baby looks just like him... fat cheeks, sizable head, high forehead and those eyes... how can you not love something that so strongly resembels you?

now, i can sense there is going to be some problems with the grandparents. naturally, the baby is going to be closer to its maternal grandparents because that is just how things are. i can see guy getting upset because i'm spending a great deal of time over at my moms with the baby hence hindering bonding time with his mom... i can understand this concern because i would be pissed as well. but i have never raised a child nor has he... being a mom, and a daughter of a mom, i am going to trust my mother's motherly wisdom to help me raise shawty. i don't know his mom like that to sit up under her while she tries to school me. but beleive me, this will be an unfolding saga that i'm not up to deal with now, but when the time comes. i pray God blesses me with patience between now and then. alright, shawty says stay up... and so do i.

sentiments

2004-07-01T06:38:00.000-07:00

so... im 20 wks and half way there... well wait a minute... is there really a half where when you are given a life long responsibility.... i think i would prefer staying pregnant for the rest of my life than having the burdening thought of shaping and molding a black child in today's society. but God wanted a challenge for me and damn if i got it. now i love kids... other ppl's kids. i'm scared shiless wondering anticipating the personality of this here wonder child... i want it to be a certain type of person with the passion for this that and the third. living vicariously through it... i think all parents do... you know why, cause we all did and did not do something and that is why we are still longing to correct the mistakes made.... through our children. does that make us parents losers? if that is the case, shi i will be a loser.... you are damn right i don't like working 9 to 5 today just to work 9 to 5 tomorrow. i want my baby to wizen up to this billshi system and make momma some money. get ours in this capitalist system :|) damn that... my big ass belly is my 401k plan. holla!! jokes folks, jokes. I don't need anyone cussing my name... after all i'm rubber and you're glue and i don't care what you have to say any damn way... but i still love you.

So i'm listening to my musiq soulstar cd and there has always been this track that i was digging since day one.. track number 10, Thereason. now, for the record, i'm not sappy, but i'm in love with shawty,... shawty is my first love... i never knew i was capable of loving any one thing, person or place as deeply, as intensely, as strongly, as unconditionally as i do shawty... I love this baby more than i love ten of me... but back to the story, here is a snippet of the lyrical content in 'thereason'...

Artist : Musiq Soulchild

Title : Thereason

Album : Soulstar

Genre : R&B

[Chorus]
All I am and all that I will ever be
Is because of you and I am proud to say
That you helped make me into what I am today
I applaud you for being so patient with me
All I am and all that I will ever be
Is because of you and I am proud to say
No one else could do what you have done for me
You mean the worked to me (yeah)

There were times when I was so
Frustrated with you
I felt I didn't want you no more
But then I realized
That without you I would be so alone (yeah)
Whatever right or wrong and im so glad I did cause

See you cause a changed in my life
You turned an empty heart into work of art
And open my eyes to the world
I would have never known, for that im grateful
You are my pride and my joy
The closest thing to me next to God above
and will for-ever be my first love
And im always gonna give my all to you

now if that ain't some gut wrenching, bawl your eyes ducts out, spit on your neck type feelin', i don't know what is... and i wouldn't give it up for the world.

see you 'round the way and other stupid shi...

2004-06-28T06:22:00.000-07:00

i cram to understand folks making fun of pregnant ppl. how lame. 'touche'... dumasses... anyway, i think my baby and I connect on a level that only a caring loving joyful mother-to-be (like myself) can connect with their unborn child. like i can tell when shawty want to cuss Guy (babydaddy) out, it is relayed through a swift kick to my pelvis and i proceed to cussing his ass out. no morning sickness...well at least no more... the first trimester kicked my ass... but the second trimester has been forgiving. I am extremely tired and the headaches are the pits but im finally enjoying being pregnant. I still look hella good except for the stretch marks on my ass, breast, thighs and hips....don't sweat the technique... it is all genetic.... my mom's the bomb too.

I haven't found out the sex and if God is willing and I resist temptation, I won't find out until shawty gets here. just because the ablity is there doesn't mean you are to use it. I have names already picked out for either sex. Guy doesn't like the boy names i have chosen but you know what,... his ass isn't carrying a baby in his uterus so i couldn't care less what he wants to name the baby. the baby names were never a collective decision...it was an exclusive one.

before pushing a 6 pounder from my nether region

2004-06-25T18:34:00.000-07:00

before

my breast have always been a small C... now them joints are a solid full D. thanks Shawty (aka my baby, it etc)! they will be saggy mangos in a few months but that is alright... ya know why? because i will have a hungry, crying, moneysnatching bundle of joy to replace them. life is f'ing grand. but for real thou... whatever Shawty wants, Shawty will get... when it is begging for an ass whipping, i shall be there to deliver. i'm going to be on point with my ass whippings too... straight thorough.

momma

2004-06-25T18:09:00.000-07:00

hi. temp. showing. flygyrl thought i should do this even if it is for the remainding four months that i am pregnant.... yep, i'm expecting, with child, bun in oven, etc. and loving every minute of it. i aint ever been know for being sappy so none of that smushy shi will get play on this here blog. this is a basic ode to baby Shawty until it gets here and the three month after Shawty is born... or until i go back to work.... I will often refer to my baby as it... if you don't like it, don't come by and don't comment either. I know good and damn well my baby isn't an it and i don't need for you do tell me either. clear? cool. now let the fun begin.