whatcholookin@

i....

2005-07-12T07:17:00.000-07:00

live for a wonderful God....

i have been going through some changes.... if i don't return, blogging is one of those changes....

stay up

the reason...

2005-06-26T16:28:00.000-07:00

The reason for me.... for me living, laughing, wishing plotting, punching punk niccas in the face, hoping etc. it is the little things. i was sitting with my legs crossed and i had Grant sitting on the floor right beside me playing with his leap frog games and he did the cutest thing. I'm swinging my leg vigorously out of sheer anxiety because I need a mother effing job, and he takes hold of my foot and starts to hug it with both arms tightly against his chest. He then looks at the tattoo near my left ankle and starts scratching wildly like it was self adhesive printed artwork. I yelp from being startled and that just prompts him to continue to scratch until the artwork is either gone or bloody. He is my Grant jan.

okay, now for the gritty.... I'm going for my bi annual std check up... Got to make sure there are no uninvited guess up in my box... or anywhere else for that matter. I just started this ritual recently because this need to be made a habit.... I'm not one for surprises anyway so this actually works out in my favor. I took tomorrow off to make sure they have time to check for e'rry damn thing... plus diseases they haven't even named yet.... I want them to run down a list of sexually transmitted diseases and check yes or no... None of that complicated shit like they do now... They give you eight pages of medical paper work,...Front and back... And the dang results are somewhere in between. It is like a painful 16 page search through medical terminology that is pretty much irrelevant and finally you just ask the damn doctor to just show you where it states your status. He then puts on his glasses and fingers through the paper work (because he too, has no idea why they have 16 pages of bullshit that answers one lone closed-end question) all the while you are looking over his shoulder waiting to either piss your pants or slip him the tongue... . And then he tells you, here it is.... And he points to a word....The word... In a twelve sentence paragraph on page 7...The exact page in which you lost your patients... Your heart starts beating ten beats per second....You swallow once, hold your breath... Retrieve the 8 pages... Stapled....From Dr. Kahn, gasp and read the results... Finally you are able to ...

well, why don't you all go and find out....

BTW, boo to them damn spurs. They suck rabid dog ass.

ciao

B = Bold, I = Italic, S = Publish, D = Draft

2005-06-21T06:59:00.000-07:00

I ain’ got nothing to talk about. Nothing has been going on. *crickets* but I’m excited about the casual dress down day on Friday here at daily hell. No that isn’t my corporation’s name but it should be. We are mandated to dress in business attire everyday meaning shirt tie jacket for men, closed-toe shoes, stockings and blazers for women. This is everyday, including Fridays, including the summer months. Some how someone here was able to screw the building manager, literally, and he agreed to one solitary day out of the year to let us dress in ‘smart’ business casual. Best believe, I have my outfit ready…. My silk gauchos, silk tank top and some funky sandals….I’m going to savor the hell out of this day.

I was watching a television show, The Scholar, last night and was finally impressed with the reality show bit. Reality TV as narcissistic as it is … has been so gag-worthy popular, I have given up television. But in the Scholar, you have these kids who are battling for a full ride to a university of their choice. There is only one winner but there are $50M scholarships given away courtesy Wal-Mart after each individual challenge. There isn’t infighting or bickering and squabbling or manipulation or any of the dumb ass shit…. just kids are who do not want to burden their parents with the cost of their college education, to succeed in whatever profession they have chosen, to basically excel and learn even more in the process. I’m effing impressed.

Told yall I didn't have ish to talk about. :/

love 101

2005-06-13T12:35:00.000-07:00

Woke up in another funky ass mood. Grant decided he didn’t want to sleep through the night and not should i since he is the center of my life....he woke me up with his 'dadadadadada' a quarter til 4 am when my behind didn’t have to be up until 6 am and I didn’t go to bed until 1 am. It is hard. Sometimes I need a straight break but there is no break in motherhood. You just roll with every punch and hope that you don't loose you damn mind in the process

So, I’m single again. I feel sought of relieved for many reasons. He lived too far. I live in the Bronx, him in Brooklyn and any one who knows or live in new york city knows that right there is far. Also, I was feeling guilty for not spending as much time as I could with Grant but in a relationship I wasn’t sure I wanted to be in from jump....and that didn't make any damn sense then nor now. And finally, dude has unresolved issues that should have been dealt with when he was 18. I have one child to raise not two. We are still friends and he still tries to holla even though I tell him his efforts are in vain. I didn’t learn a damn thing from this one….well, just that trust is a virtue that not everyone deserves and should be dispersed sparingly. I also learned that I have a tolerance level that could have only been adorned by God himself. He is my alpha and omega.

Sidenote: why are celebrities’ feet tore the hell up?

You know what music I really enjoyed and I haven’t found a chum in company…. Big Band. Now, that might surprise a few of you because,… well I really don’t know why, but I have loved Big Band since I first heard it played when I was a teeny weensy. (Leap Frog is one of my all time favorites). There is no other genre of music that makes me feel all kinds of emotions; melancholy, exuberance, sloth etc. like Big Band. Just wanted to give you all an insight into my world… we aren’t monolithic as a the masses would like to believe.

Sidenote: I just bought a pair of shoes (no, not jimmy choos but some nine west’s) the other day and was wondering why they look so damn cheap (no, not because they are cheap) I finally figured out why I feel they look so cheap… they remind me of them plastic rubber jelly sandals we use to wear back in the day that made our feet sweat holy water. and here I thought I then came up.

Dilemma

2005-06-09T09:00:00.000-07:00

I have been in this funky mood all damn week. Just really stank. Like I would throw you mad shade if we were cool…. Just that damn funky. I’m thinking that I could be a number of other things but most likely it is my God given snotty attitude and it being so damn hot I peeped the devil drinking a Brisk. Anyway, my finances are looking shoddy and I haven’t a plan to get them back in order. I have hospital bills from both of my stays at the hospital along with Grant’s stay and them jokers seem to be taking on a life of its own everyday. I have been hoping (or maybe not) that my mom gets a permanent gig so I can get my finances in order. But despite it all, I love that my son is getting the second best rearing and caring that can be offered. Dilemma.

I have been tagged by ms. momma…. So here goes:

Total Number of Books Owned:
ummmm… wow. Probably close to 400 including text books as well.

Last book(s) I:
Bought: Angels and Demons – Dan Brown
Last book I read (leisure): Angels and Demons – Dan Brown
Current book I am reading: The Da Vin.ci Code – Dan Brown (I’m hooked)

Fiction or Non-Fiction:
autobiographies rock!

First book I read:
the first book I remember reading was a history book in the first grade. I still have that same book...it gave me George Washington Carver, the Wright Brothers and Harriet Tubman. I think this is exactly when I fell in love with biographies, reading and the art of story telling.

Most read book:
several… but off the top of my head… Steven King’s Desperation, Regulators, Rose Red and Rose Madder… great reads!

Largest Impact:Your Best Life Now – Joel Osteen

Favorite Scholarly Book: I don’t have one….

Sexiest Book: Addicted – Zane…. Boarderline freak nasty…

Biggest Disappointment: too many to mention

Five Books that Mean Something to me:
The Bible
Your Best Life Now – Joel Osteen
The Autobiography of Malcolm X – Alex Haley, Malcolm X
My American Journey, An Autobiography – Colin Powell, Joseph E. Persico
Lucky – Alice Sebold

tag! you're it! Ms.Thing, Muffin, Slow Metamorphosis

passing along...

2005-06-06T10:00:00.000-07:00

edit post:

Check this out if you can not be there in person. strengths in numbers...
**

Well… I’m a parent for real now… like for real, for real. G mack diddy icious had his first (and if God is merciful, last) hospital stay last week. It was only one night, but he was sick for the whole week. Go figure it was my week of vacation. My little man is doing much better due to some albuterol and good ole-fashion attention. He is made from that great stuff….

On other fronts, I punched this dude in the face yesterday. I’m not proud but I am surprised. Surprised how much frustration I’m able to store before it explodes into out right physical violence. That is much ado about the events leading up to the punch but lets just say, if I was peanut n ‘em, I would be in my right for punching homeboy in the face. He knew he did me dirty and I expressed numerous times how I wanted to lump his ass up. Now, I have said this many times, I have a violent streak. As hidden and misjudged as it is, it is very alive and well. He asked me if I felt like punching him in his face would make me feel better and of course my natural response was 'yes'. He turned his face towards me and I punched him dead in his grill. I punched him harder than I thought I would...than he thought I would. I even saw him flinched as if to retaliate but he didn’t…. a good thing for both of our sakes… as gully as I think I am, I’m still haven’t recovered from birth to the point I am willing (note: i said willing, not able....BIG ass difference) to fight a 6’3 grown ass man. As for him, if he had hit me, I would’ve damn sure picked up a bat, a table leg or whatever within my reach that would inflict major physical damage. I am not to be fucked with. Am I sorry for punching him in his face? Nah. I do feel sorry for myself for allowing a mere mortal to get me THAT peeved that I would resort to physical violence… I’m not 16 any more, I needn’t have my integrity marginalized by fools who obviously chose, once again, ignore my gangsta.

I have been on the grind for about three months now looking for a new gig. THREE WHOLE MONTHS. I have had one interview…. One. Damn. Interview. I have made the deductions… the obvious conclusion…. something is wrong with my resume. I have edited the resume over and again and to me, it looks mighty fine. But then again, I would believe so because I have been looking at that damn thing for seven years believing so. I have decided to break down and enlist the help of a resume consultant and I’m willing to pay a buck to a buck fifty for the service. If I can purchase a Ipod, which I damn sure didn’t need (and I’m still trying to grasp the hype), I can put up a little less for something that is necessity at this point.

2005-05-19T09:04:00.000-07:00

Unconditional love. Is it possible within a romantic relationship? That was one of the many topics discussed while I was eating my bagel on the way to work. Oh yeah, by the way, the conversation was with myself.

I have aspirations of marriage. no, it isn’t my sole goal… it really isn’t even a must but I think I would like the idea of a family waiting for me to cook dinner, help the kiddies with their biology project, assist my husband with his journal entries, enjoy family outings on the weekends, vacation for four… you know, shit like that. Sine qua non, what a marriage should incorporate. Now, before the thoughts of ‘well you can have that without being married’ resontae, I want to state that I've been there, done that, it ain’t for me. Just aint. Period. Even more so now. I have a child…. A child who I’m 100% responsible for. I’m not going to just live with someone all willy nilly risking the well being of my child and my physical freedom because if someone touch mine, I swear fo lawd… Funny how we value ourselves more when we add something on to it. A degree, a fancy car, a condo…. a child. Okay, maybe a child is different, but point is, we don’t value the principle until there is some return. Another been there, done that. I’m not insane therefore I do not do the same thing over again while expecting a different result….no more shacking! Aside from that, can I actually live with someone else in which I don’t really have to? I don’t have to live with Grant but there is something in the law called reckless endangerment of a minor. In addition, there is this unconditional love I have for him. Which bought me to the topic of contention, can we love unconditionally romantically? It is a question, actually…. The 19 voices that live within my head have yet to come to an agreement.

jimmy choo's

2005-05-17T07:52:00.000-07:00

I have a penchant for cute shoes. Cute brown sling backs with rounded toe shoes. I saw some cute jimmy choos… but I don’t have jimmy choo money… I have enzo, nine west money though. Money is tight in the epi household. I’m grossly underpaid grossly overworked and I have picked up a few projects all in effort to make this deal a little sweeter when I sell it to my next employer. How is that coming along? … It’s not. I have been on the grind for about four months now looking for another gig…either one of three things are the results of my pursuit…. 1) they aren’t offering enough money for my self -determined worth 2) crazy hours with up to 25% travel (I’m a single parent, this ain’t gonna happen) or 3) supervisory experience in which I have none of. I say this to say that in about a year, I will be moving to another state, preferably GA or SC. The ghettos of New York City are becoming unbearable, real estate is already bananas, the rat race is becoming more sadistic and I have a child. A black male child. The ghetto is waiting, salivating to eat him alive. The gangs here are helter skelter… I’m just waiting to open my apartment door only to see a dead body propped against it. He will have all the opportunity in the world to face adversity without me putting him directly in the mix and I owe it to him to show him there are other ways to live… not cramped up in a 500 square foot two bedroom apartment in which I can barely afford because the rent is 2000 for a corner apartment in the middle of a c.rip/b.lood war zone. And I want some brown sling backs with rounded toes when the moment befits me. Some jimmy choos if I want.

On other fronts, things with Stick are going well. (Stick is the bf’s alias). I had to yam in his ear about recent events… read: his damn slacking. Like Maleike said, the tone must be set from the very beginning… but it bothers me none to whip a nicca into shape. If I must remind you, in every conversation, of my worth and options, that is what I will do. I don’t think this is even a little bit extreme because if I do not tell him, he will never know. Men love to claim oblivion as their next of kin. Communication (not to be confused with nagging) is key. Now, if I think my mentions aren’t being valued and respected, then we both can resign from the relationship. Life is too short to be purposefully unhappy.

“The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance, the wise grows it under his feet.”
James Oppenheim
Holla, Mr. Oppenheim.

Me thinks lady doth (not) protest too much

2005-05-13T11:45:00.000-07:00

side ish: TGIF. I just decided to buy an insurance policy for myself...a 'just in case' my ass dies in the streets of NY. I live in the Bronx on Killer Avenue between Lite ‘Em Up Lane and Buck ‘Em Down Blvd so I think this was a good idea. It would be funnier if it wasn't true.

So, let me pop my collar. * polyester popping in the background * I have successfully matched another adorable, loving couple… my god given talent is match making,… yall didn’t know. Here is how it works: I meet with a potential, and listen. No conversation, no mingling, just plain ole listening. Old adage ‘give a man enough rope, he will hang himself’. But can you tell me this, why hasn’t the favor been returned? I have been on the worse blind dates that i could really cry right now.... like while writing this blog. So bad, I asked the match maker, 'do you not like me?! What have I done to you for you to subject me to such torment?' ummm to be upfront I’m not single, but the notion is looking plenty pleasing to me. Let me pour my heart out a little… now, silence is a text easy to misread…. Not my quote but follow along. Men tend to sleep on me… meaning, they get comfortable, relaxed, complacent… tending to think they ‘got it like that’. I don’t ask for more than emotional support, even sex is negotiable (and that is a grave compromise on my end.) You don’t have to ball or even bounce to be with me, just make sure your ass is employed with your own damn cash and we are in cahoots. if I have to ask you to buy me shit and take me places, then why am I really with you? I can treat myself like how I want to be treated. I dine and wine myself. I go to the movies by myself. I even vacation alone. In summary, I really don’t need anyone to do these things for/with me. It is a conscious, oftentimes regrettable, choice to dine, vacation with another. You have those few who think that my low-maintenance ass is one to steal on. I’m willing to let him run amuck, living it up like the fat cat. Give a man enough rope he will hang himself. How many slum bastids have been left holding their bags and picking their faces up off the floor? I will tell you, a good effing number of them. When things were brand new and neither one of us could do no wrong, boy was he floating his ass around like a butterfly… but as soon as he see that he doesn’t ‘need’ to shell out quality (funds, time, effort) to remain in my company, a lump on a log is what he becomes. Perhaps I am the enabler and it is my damn fault…. But funk that, … the ‘emancipation of epi’… changes are a coming…. I guess you all know who I’m talking about so insert name where appropriate.

Happy weekend!

2005-05-08T09:44:00.000-07:00

My ma. Momma… mother… MA!!! (When she acts like she can’t damnit hear.) This woman is the quintessential essential. Now, before I begin to speak about Ida Mae, I have to thank God for all that I’m able to say about this woman and for him given me the opportunity, the ablity the patience, and the long awaited time to NOW appreciate all that she has done for me.

Now, back to ms. Ida mae. Now, ms. Ida mae raised two daughters of her own, me being the second. My first memory of Ida was her kneeling down to my level and explaining to me that that day was my birthday. I was three years old. I remember thinking to myself 'so what, ma?" I guess in my three year old mind, I couldn't grasp the importance of such date... but best believe now i do. Anyway, I always knew my mother as the caretaker, the nurturer and for the longest time, I thought that this was her government appointed job, this is what she was SUPPOSE to do. She was suppose to praise my receiving a 100% on my spelling test, she was obligated to beat my ass when I got caught chewing gum in class when I wasn’t suppose to and her rightful duty to clean up my cuts and bruises received from scraping on the block while giving me a good scolding about fighting once again,.... ‘bo, you ain’t no boy. Stop all of that damn fightin’”. It was when I was having problems with my upstairs neighbors while living in Brooklyn that it dawned on me. I was walking with my mom from my apartment building to the train station and we were talking about me writing another letter to the landlord. She said something under her breath and I can’t recall at the moment what was said but I remember saying to her, ‘I’m not worried about them.’ She said to me ‘bo, even though you are grown, that doesn’t mean I don’t worry about you. You are still my child’ (dabbing away the tears). It wasn’t like I never thought my mother worried about me, but I guess it was when it was vocalized, when she actually expressed with her own mouth her worries that I knew and understood her being my mom wasn’t her job, that her being my disciplinary wasn’t her appointed duty, that her being my on-call doctor wasn’t her responsibility. Her loving, her caring, her devotion…all of it…it was all her privilege, her honor. I love Ida Mae. I credit her for everything I am…with everything I am not. I am glad for every argument that we have had for I am pretty sure, in her absence, I was made to suffer a hard learn lesson that I wouldn’t allow her to teach me anyway. She was and still is the benchmark…. And I think I turned out pretty damn well. This is your day, Ms. Ida Mae…. I love you more than in all of the days in my life I would be able to express. You have shown me that blessings aren’t only in a child, but also in the parent.

I love you, ma.

Love, bo

2005-05-02T07:57:00.000-07:00

I think someone possibly posted about this before… when you are riding on the train (or chilling in a public place) and you look up only to see some one is staring you dead in your grill and when that eye contact is made, they neither wink nor divert, just continue to stare. For some reason, ish like that just irks the hell out of me…. Isn’t staring still impolite or did that rule change recently and someone throw away the memo before I got a look/see? So commence the battle of the stare down…. I’m gonna stare the hell out of you before this train ride is over heffa, best believe. Too bad she got off at 86th street, hence the stare down was a draw. Umph. *I’ll beat that bitch wit a bat * and they say new yorkers are confrontational...

My mother should be back to work in about month tops. She has a few leads and before she makes anything definite, she wants to make sure it is worth it. I’m like, hell nah it ain’t worth it. Staying at home with G diddy, minding him while I’m at work is worth it. But then she mentioned having to pay the rent.. my ass was like the whisper song… ‘Wait’. Speaking of which, Baby G is six months today…. What is more amazing, especially after last night’s fiasco, is that his little round, fat, flat face is still alive. He cried until three o’clock this morning… so, yours truly has had only 3 hours of sleep. Guess how I’m feeling? If you guessed pissed, peeved, disgruntled and a tad bit homicidal, you have guessed right. What have they won, Bob? Nothing at all, Jack! But every time I look at that same little round fat flat face, I can’t believe something so wonderful and beautiful and loving and God-inspiring came from me. Things are good.

The code as been broken… I now know why baddy has been coming around more often… if a bastid finds out another bastid is hollering at you, all of a sudden that bastid wants to holler too. I’m like, easy bastid…pump dem brakes, bastid! He asked me what I was doing when it came to dating. I told him, I’m talking to a number of people… you know… here and there, a little of everywhere. He didn’t like that answer…. I’m like well I didn’t like your question. Men. I really hate them sometimes.

Sidenote:
I was just on Cos’s site, (every time I visit her site, why does Ciara’s ‘Oh’ play loud and clear in the background? ‘Down here we ride sloooooowww.’) I really like her writing style…nonjudgemental, nonoffensive open honest style of writing. Anyway, like I was saying to her in regards to her ‘Get OUR( not just yours) ish together’ post, I am a proud banker at INGDirect... their savings rate is usually above 2% but does fluctuate but regardless, it is always at least twice the rate in which you can received at any other commercial bank. Don’t bothering wasting your time with commercial savings account…. They are only good for checking purposes. ING also have a very good CD purchasing option. No fees and no fuss… just buy it and let it sit there. I have opened several cd’s (actually a cd per month) for baby G all to mature in five years and then reinvest until he becomes primary owner and then he can do as he pleases (except to blow my hard earned money which at that point, I might have to commence to whipping his ass). My purpose is to have a stash for G for when he comes into his own so he doesn’t have to lease a car or rent an apartment. If he wants to, he will have the cash to make a down payment on a condo/house or buy that car right off the lot. I don’t want him in the ‘struggle’. ‘Bo did that so hopefully hewouldn’t have to go through that.’ Even though this savings plan is killing… like literally reacking havoc on my pockets, I know it will be worth it in the end. (btw, now is the time to invest in INGDirect… NYSE: ING) Each one, teach one....

Let me say this much.....

2005-04-27T09:58:00.000-07:00

...my life is effing boring…. It is a complete drab of disconnected uneventful comings and goings but that isn’t what I’m about to elaborate on... it is the routine of it all. Now the run down is this, good to know for you mom to bes… ish ain’t all gravy…. I wake up to feed G around six… that is if he is awake… most time he isn’t … or get ready for work. I work at this horrible place for eight hours… oh, let me not forget … the train ride…. I walk ten blocks to the train station and take a 45-vulgarity filled-baby crying-loud talking-uncomfortable seating-hotandsweaty-teenagerssimulatingsex-minute ride to work. I’m usually right on time… cause you and I both know just like money, my time is better in my pocket. I do this that and the third here for eight hours… barf….and take the same 45 vulgarity filled-baby crying-loud talking-uncomfortable seating-hotandsweaty-teenagerssimulatingsex minute ride home… walk ten more blocks get in the ride to find parking on the right side of the street… (a new york thing). I get home and feed G again… this is our bonding time… I’m ye-yo (depending on the day, that could be a statement, question or exclamation)…. and then get undone from the days work. So about this damn time, it is seven. Now, I must watch my jeopardy....an absolute must. It is now 7:30 and I have to wash G and get him in order for the next day. 8:30-9. I clean our room… which basically means I either put ish in the hamper or shove things in the storage bin… yeah… I’m operating with THAT much… or should I say that much space? I have to feed myself and then feed him, which takes about an hour because he’s being spoon-fed. 10:00pm. I brush his gums and read him a story and then beg and plea with him to sleep so momma can have a moments rest. He looks at me and smiles…he couldn’t care less. 10:30 mr.man calls and we talk about things here and there… and if you really want to know the truth… could have discussed in instant messaging throughout the day but who can blame the man for wanting my voice to be the last thing he hears before falling asleep? (wink) Now it is midnight… and I still haven’t curled my wig… so when a bastid ask what I’m pissy, I shall refer him to this post….

In other arenas…. I have been discussing with ms.thing my pending move to the peach state and I am no closer to a decision than I was when I first thought this move up five, six years ago. So many variables when it comes to picking up myself and G to move our asses hundreds of miles away. Baddy has been making a solid effort to obtain and maintain a sturdy existence (what kind? I don’t know) in Grant’s life but who knows how long that is going to last. My mom and my son have a relationship in which even I envy to some extent. I know this move would be best for Grant and I… there isn’t a doubt in my mind. What has been concerning me is snatching him away from his father… I don’t want to ever be the reason for their relationship going to shit…. but who really knows that outcome. I am bothered by a complete disconnect from my mom because not only have they created this incredible bond, I too have grown to appreciate and adore the relationship that they have… they both give each other so very much. He is my mom’s favorite grandchild, hands down. And just like most children do, he puts moves on her heart. On the flip side, my mom has lived her life and G is my responsibility. In all of my decisions, there is always an unhappy camper. A friend of mine said I should file for full custody so G’s dad won’t fight me on the move but why would I want to do that? He is G’s parent just as much as I am, why would I want to deliberately sabotage that relationship by demanding his ‘presence in court’ for some type of personal gain? I’m so confused and drained and pissed off I didn’t make this move five years ago when I really had ample means to do so…. when I didn’t have so many other variables to consider. But later from them damn shoulda, woulda, couldas… things are real this time around. One thing is for certain, I’m not….NOT… raising G in NYC…. Period. End of story.

2005-04-18T08:15:00.000-07:00

I haven’t posted in a while. Something called a brain fart. … I yelled all day Saturday. I felt wronged… I felt disrespected, I felt I was going to lose.my.damn.mind. G’s father is a bum… I wanted to fight him…. Like roll up on that nigga and bust him in his grill. A little back ground so yall won’t think I’m a violent baby mama. No, I’m not that chick. So being that my mom is on hiatus from working… (she quit with no type of back-up plan. My momma gangsta, yall), she has been taking care of G while I’m at work. My normal routine beforehand was to take G over to his father’s house for the morning/early afternoon. G’s father (aka that bum) then leaves him with the babysitter until I pick him up which is around six. Well since it is more convenient for me to just leave him with my mom, that is what I have been doing. Now, this doesn’t mean the bum isn’t allowed to see his son or that the bum is relieve of his ‘babysitting’ duties, it just means this is more convenient for me as his primary care taker. Don’t you know this motherfer hasn’t even seen his son in over a week? A whole week. He lives ten mins from me. No lie…. Ten damn minutes. So…. I’m no punk about my ish. I called him up and remind his ass he has a son. He gets flippant and i.lose.my.damn.mind….

Me: I told you I’m not going to allow this to happen
Bum: I text you all the time
Me: I don’t give a fuck.. I’m talking about coming to see him… playing a role in his life
Bum: why you raising you voice? (not 'why are you'… but 'why you')
Me: because I told you that I wasn’t going to allow you to play with his life. he isn’t a story for me to report back to you with… he is a live person
Bum: I work
Me: I work too, what the hell does that mean? The same 24 hours you have in your day are the same 24 hours that I have in mine. He deserves better than this. He deserves the best. (doesn’t that sound cliché?) I tell you what, you don’t even have to see me… call my mom and make arrangements to see your son… you know, Grant? You remember him, right?
Bum: yeah, cause you don’t have to raise your voice at me
Me: maybe if you acted responsible like an adult, I wouldn’t have to yell at you like a child. Talk to you later, you stupid motherfer.

I didn’t call him a stupid motherfer but lawd if I wasn’t thinking it. I cried because I’m tired of yelling. I’m tired of the fussing and fighting and struggling. But if I gave it all up, I would be allowing him to treat my son like a second class citizen and there is no way… not on God’s green earth or in satan’s firey hell that I’m going to allow him to be treated other than what he is…. The most sought after hotness. Holla!

And do you know the bum texted me last night to tell me to tell my mom that he is coming over to see G. my efforts aren’t fruitless but how long can I carry on like a mad woman?

Anyway, I made some decisions about this here life… I’m moving next year… if all else stays the same. After the Saturday exchange and my need to leave this job and not being able to go to the playground with out dodging 161610358 kids, bullets, knives and fistfights, I think it is high time I high tail my ass on out of this place to another where G can have his own damn swing set. It is the little things that make the biggest impacts. Alrighty, let me do work… or at least pretend.

I'm feeling like...

2005-04-06T08:17:00.000-07:00

a lost little girl but not one who’s searching for her mommy.

...like mommie2b, reflective on my life and how the hell did I end up here.

I have no regrets.

Never would I have imagine being 28 living with my mom with my five month old son who I love ten times more than I love myself, unwed, underemployed and never happier.

If I didn’t have my mom, I would be homicidal. Somebody would have to die. There are days where I don’t get but two hours of sleep…. But my mom, the jizzoint herself, comes through and sacrifices her sleep so I can be some good to some job the following morning….yall don’t hear me. Thank God for her.

My son … very serene then very expressive then reclusive and the cycle never ends. From the moment he was born, I was waiting for that connection… the eye contact that shows me we have something much more deeper than the relationship. Today, I finally got it. Thank God for him.

I use to ponder what my coworkers felt about me being unwed and pregnant. Never a worry, never any shame, just pondered. I am the first ever to have a child out of wedlock in my workplace. Finally I’m a first at something…I have been waiting for this moment all of my life. Jokes aside, I’m a WIP. I know God wasn’t happy with my decision, but he wasn’t happy way before G was conceived. He wasn’t feeling how I was loving fornicating… or even now how I’m still on the enjoying side of it … but God also saw the responsibility in me when I didn’t chose to abort my child. Thank God for his understanding.

This job…. Screw them… they better be lucky Jesus is my homeboy… that is all I will say to keep from further implementation of myself in any possible future retaliations for the ish slinging that goes on here on a daily basis.

On other fronts, I have been dating a very, very wonderful guy. One that gets me. And that is hard to do because I’m tough. Not intentionally but I’m going to fling your ass everywhere but lose just to see how durable you are…. How much can you withstand before you hightail your ass towards the nearest exit. I just told baddy about letting G meet him. His behind gonna act like I never asked him such a thing. Play games if you want, nicca.
Like mo’nique said, ladies, take your birth control pills.

Allow me to vent....

2005-03-24T09:03:00.000-08:00

‘You need to calm down…’

I don’t need to do shyt.

Some one told me that just the other night after he told me a story about one of his friends and his battle with the courts over child support. Sensitive topic. He knows this. And still had to nerve to tell me to calm down.

I needn’t do anything I don’t damn well feel like doing.

On top of everything else, G had to get his vaccinations and he was crying like the dickens for five hours straight… FIVE – HOURS-….STRAIGHT!!! My mom and I are at our wits end, I’m looking like who shot john and forgot to kill him, my mom is looking at me like, really, who did shoot john and forget to kill him?, while his father is up with some woman, freak-freak-freak. Now, I don’t care what the hell his father does… just take care of you kid. On top of all of that, I had 545 dollars to come out of my pocket with because G health insurance is saying he isn’t covered. WTF?!! A week prior, his dr.’s office called to say if this isn’t resolved, Grant couldn’t be seen. Come again? I went up in there, lay G on the table and started undressing him. Oh, yes, he was being seen… rather I had 545 dollars or not, he was going to receive whatever services it was that he had needed. Call the police, call the governor, call on Jesus, if ya want… He is always on my side, by the way, so you might want to try someone else. Best believe, when you get off the phone, I will be sitting right her with my naked child waiting to be served. I’ll be Joanna Q up in this piece, just watch me.

So I mentioned to his doctor about how it seems to me that his health was being held ransom for an effing measly 545 bucks. She asked me, ‘why whatever do you mean?’
I explained the phone call I received and so on, so forth. She was ‘appalled’ and that him not being able to be serviced wasn’t what was meant to be relayed. Anyway, she said in front of the receptionist, that it was only meant to be bought to my attention to make sure G is/get insured before bills racked up. Blah blah effing blah. I was through yesterday. And for you to tell me I need to calm down after I tell you all of this….

Kiss my arse!

Anyway, I forgot to tell you all about my wig. It has so taking on a life of its own… after giving birth to G, my hair fell out. I hadn’t been eating well while I was breastfeeding (double whammy), I wasn’t sleeping at all, and I was worrying about my decision to bring him into this world amongst other things. My hair literally fell out over night. I would wash it and wads of hair would be in the tub, in the comb, on the sink, in the towel, on my hands. That made me stress even more. So what did my informed undeniably genius ass do? Put braids in. That clean the rest right on off. So I went to a dermy and she shook her head. She knew everything I did to my hair/myself during/after pregnancy. She knew I dyed it, I wasn’t eating right, knew I’d stressed my edges with braids and that I stressing myself… she just knew. I love her. She treated my hair and gave me a lecture and then she sent me on my way with a pat on my ass yelling ‘go get ‘em, tiger!’. I went wig shopping later that night just to see if I can actually rock one. Needless to say, I can. I rock a lot of things well… ask Grant... and my ex's about their worlds.

My wig is FIERCE. It is a short beetles look but it looks pretty okay on me. I’m entertaining the though of getting a whole wardrobe of wigs but I fear the reliance. My mom and I look like twins now… she rocks wigs too. The older I get, the more Ms. L. I’m becoming. (Vomits in mouth… just a lil bit). * wink*

2005-03-22T12:15:00.000-08:00

*pic removed*

By popular demand, here he is... my mini-me. Manaenuke, Paw, sexy lips, dirty mcgirty, ahun, Granty, MY. FIRST. LOVE. ...along with numerous other names, terms of affection, monikers etc. He bit my lip the other day. Gums are no joke. that or he has one strong ass jaw. in fear of photo thieves, i will be taking this pic down in five days. I wish i could have scanned a pic of me when i was a youngin to post side by side with G and you all can see what i mean when i say he looks just like his momma... minus his father's nose.

Here i am...

2005-03-17T07:53:00.000-08:00

So I got the car. Honda. Accord. Mine. Finally. I effing rock!

Anyway, nothing much is going on (thank God and His plump-faced angels) no news is good news. I have been practicing driving. I don’t know if I’m a very good driver or a very bad one. I will tell you after my first accident.

Baddy is finally doing his thing… in increments, but his ass is finally coming around. I had to get in it a few times,… his ass that is,… but it was worth the stench. G baby is fantabulous. He is looking more and more like me everyday… except he has his father’s nose. My mom, the southern superstitious woman that she is says to me….'you know, when a child looks like its momma, that means she doesn’t know who the father is.' I looked at her, and said in a calm voice, I know who I sleep with. Plus, look at his nose. That right there definitely isn’t mine! And she left it alone. And people wonder why I am so damn crazy… the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

Quick question: why does it seem the older you get, the bigger your purse gets?. (maybe even some of you metro sexual males to can answer this too) My purse weighs like 12 lbs. I have a row of quarters for laundry (yall southern folks don’t know much about laundry mats or should I say ‘washeteria’), a wallet as big as the purse, six pens, a pad, my keys, my cell phone, my cell phone’s charger, a highlighter, napkins and tissue, lotion (palmer’s baby, got to control the ash) three tubes of lip gloss, three tubes of chap stick, eyeliner and about 100 pennies. WTF you ask? You never know… I’m prepared for a lot of ish. Laundry, ashy lips, low battery. What cho need? A napkin for that donut? Four pennies for tax? BAM! I’m Eveready! Speaking of batteries, I have some of those in my purse too. Cause you never know….*wink*

Going to the club Friday with my BFF and her sisters. Get my Ciara bootie bounce on. Imma try to shake some inches off this tire around my belly so I won’t be embarrassed to hold on to the overhead pole while riding the train this coming summer. Having my belly jiggle along isn’t my idea of hot damn… maybe got damn… but not hot damn..

Coming up in Epi’s next post: ‘my new wig’

i wonder why i'm hungry when i ate dinner last night.... oh i forgot, .. it was chinese take out.

2005-02-24T07:54:00.000-08:00

I have a weakness… I can’t say no. I admit it… unless you piss me off to the hilt, I would just about say anything but no. you might get a ‘we’ll see’ or a ‘possibly’ or ‘call me tomorrow’ or ‘ I have a boyfriend’ or ‘I’ll try’ or ‘I don’t know’ or something round about that isn’t direct but damn sure close to being a no. This little weakness that I have stemmed from my mom always willing and waiting to say no; Can’t even form the words in your mouth, can’t even conjure up the thought in your head and she had the word ‘no’ on the tip of her tongue ready for your ass. I hate hasty thinking… I like to mull things over before I say no. Before I answered with a no, would explore every other option possible. Maybe it is the Virgo in me that needs to nurture people and their null and void feelings, thoughts, opinions, beliefs etc.

Case in point:

Dude I just recently told yall about: so what are you feelings towards me?
Me: I don’t think I am ready to be involved.

What I wish i can say without feeling all guilty and ish: dude, I’m so not feeling your ass. I don’t think I can not feel your ass any more than I currently do

DIJRTYA: why would you say that? Was it something I did or say?
Me: nah, it is just me and being a new mom and starting back at work. I just don’t have to time or the patience to maintain a romantic relationship.

WIWICSWFAGAI: mf, because I’m not, that is why I would say that. And yeah, it was something you did… open your mouth…. and anything you said?… yes, everything up until this very moment!!

DIJRTYA: well, can I do anything to make you feel better?
Me: nah… im straight. Just need to get me in order, you know.

WIWICSWFAGAI: leave me the f alone.

DIJRTYA: well, if you need me, let me know.
Me: aight

WIWICSWFAGAI: nicca, what did I just say?

DIJRTYA: I will wait for you.
Me: I don’t know if I will be ready any time soon.

WIWICSWFAGAI: this ain’t cinema nicca. Really. it isn’t that serious.

DIJRTYA: just remember that I’m here if you need anything.
Me: cool

WIWICSWFAGAI: blow me.

(My ass couldn’t say no if you paid me…. Now I’m stuck with a quote, unquote friend. *wouldn't it have been easier if i would i just typed the damn "s? yeah, but i ain't easy. don't get it twisted.*:-P)

***********

I made an oath to myself that I would lie no more. No more lying out of convenience, no more lying because the lie sounds better than the truth and no more lying because I want to see just how creative I can be. I will let yall know how many minutes this last. Keep ya fingers crossed.

no title

2005-02-22T10:03:00.000-08:00

I have a question... in Amerie's new single 'one thing', is it me or does it sounds like she is saying gobble, gobble, goooo ble?

Ummm

My first love got married last summer…. I should restate, my first and only love got married last summer… that whomps. I guess my stuff wasn’t exceptional, huh? ** MsThing **

I heard that Jay-Z has plans to return to ‘the game’… what the f? why can’t niccas go and stay away like the profoundly claim to do… what the hell, is he like the new herpes simplex? Think he is gone… then BAM, a new flare up.

I went on a date the other night… I found a new type of guy in which I can’t stand…. (i think i'm just man hating, for real) Guys who love drama. What the hell is that about? I didn’t know they still existed. I am not one to keep drama afloat. I actually pray for drama to die a hundred deaths… that is the type of gal I am… drama free. And… to crown it king, he had the nerve to tell me, ‘I love drama… the more the better.’ That is some sissified shit to say. Anyway, his ass is scratched. I think I’m going to go on hiatus… raise G… maybe even go back to school, and plan for my ultimate move down to GA. I am purchasing a car in the next two weeks to tote G around in because his ass weighs more than mine. I will post a pic of the G-man if someone can tell me how to do that waterspot thing… or whatever it is called… I don’t want my baby’s pic to end up where it doesn’t belong.… anybody wanna help a sister out?

this that and the third and possibly a fourth

2005-02-15T09:22:00.000-08:00

today is my second day back at this hell fire of a place. i need to be shot for not getting out while the getting was good. my fault, my bad... all that other stupid ass slang words/phrases. i miss my baby... my G unit with and of himself. i asked him yesterday if he would be my valentine... his exacts words were, 'bulllah'. aka 'hell yes, mama... yous be my biatch for life!!' anyway, encourage me... life is hard with out my baby.

other news... men are stupid.... in a round about, humming coming atcah kinda way. were men really this stupid before i gave birth? or did i suddenly become more receptive to stupid men as of late? either way, men are stupid... except for my son.... and all of the other men i like... if are a man and i don't like you, you are stupid.

so, i watched the grammys with kanye and his big face...(i couldn't talk about people when i was pregnant because i was AFRAID... yeah, i'm superstitious like that... or is it stupidstitious? but the floodgates are wide OPEN!). he finally got an award, thank goodness... i didn't feel like hearing/reading about him carrying on like a lil biaotch. anyway, he is a okay performer when he isn't sweating his own damn self. a man with that much pent up fustration must need some relief...:)

also, R.I.P. OSSIE DAVIS

two for the price of one...

2005-01-17T11:30:00.000-08:00

I have been a busy beaver.... no, no... not THAT beaver... dirty mind of yours. Anyway, I have already completed my tax return for both fed and state... i refuse to let the government gain bank on my bank for longer than they need to. The state of NJ tried to tell me i owed them... now get this.... $1267. me.... with a child on my hip, living at my mamas. first of all, yeah right, second of all, yeah rizzzzight!!! and lastly, ain't no way i owe the state of NJ that much money... I have tried to tweak everything possible to lessen the amount due... it worked actually... but i still owed about 600 (not trying to get over... just trying to get through) I am going to wait until april 15th... do a few risky investments and see how it works out for a sistah... and then pay them bastids. let them play the waiting game.

i'm jumping on the bandwagon... it seems like everyone is getting the hell out of their respective dogde ... i'm on the search for a new gig. I have done my time, put in my work and it is past time I bid my farewells. some where, some how,... i developed a conscious... don't ask me when because i can't recall. before i left for maternity leave, my cowokers hosted a babyshower in my honor. as much as i bitched about the work, i have never bitched about the job.... i would feel almost ungrateful to bounce after receiving such lovely gifts... and they were lovely gifts... and without feeling an ounce of remorse. but then, this too shall passm eh? mean green trumps friends again!

so, i called into work to speak to my boss about my vacation time when i return.... i don't play... i don't think they have heard, but yes... it is all about me. i just want them to make sure they write it down on paper just in case they forget and need to consult.. and no, not about the vacation time... but about it being all about me. *wink* ... G and I are taking a trip to the Caribbean. I have always wanted to visit St. Thomas and the Caymans... but, im being swayed towards the 700 islands of bahamas... (are they really 700 islands of Bahamas?) , trinidad and Tobago and Costa Rica. now, i have always wanted to visit St. T and Caymans ever since college... so there is no deep speculative decision making in that. I would love to visit the Bahamas because... well... can you really beat 700 islands...? also, a visit to Trinidad would be perfect because i love trini men...... and soca music.... But have also heard the rain Forrest of Costa Rica are unmatched by any other. There is one problem, however... baddy might not want to sign off on G's passport. He has told me before that he believes i would run off with G. Now, I know i have an extreme personality... some might even say off the charts... but i would never run... even if things happen to get THAT bad... running isn't my steez... now stabbing a nicca is... but running???, nah that isn't me. anyway, i have some time to play nice.... i really do hope that is enough because shyt, that is really all i got. oh... i got to go...G just socked the ish out of me with his head and now he has the nerve to cry. kisses and stuff...

a clutter of mutter...

2005-01-15T19:13:00.000-08:00

mia is my constant status... i can't even say shawty has been monopolizing my time because i have had a couple of times to do my thug thizzle. my life is one big fat laziness.... besides tending to baby bop, i do a whole bunch of nothing from sun up to sun down.... hold on, that is a lie... i have been diversifying the hell out of my investment profolio... Surprisingly, that was easy. i guess my brain hasn't turn to mush yet.

since shawty is asleep and am listening to some tunes on the net, i figure i might give ya a shout out because somebody out there might care... i have opened up to the option of playful dating... nothing serious, just some phone calls here and there... possibly a movie if i dig your personality... well, some folks cram to understand the term of 'playful' ....meaning...lighthearted, frivolous, whimsical, etc. i don't want you for a husband... i don't want 'relations'... just someone of the opposite sex for companionship every now and again. now, when meeting these 'men', i am upfront with my intentions... i don't want a man, i don't want a cut buddy, i don't want a husband nor do i want or need a father for my son, he has one.... me. all i want is for us to 'kick it'. no not 'kick it' like darius and nina did in 'love jones' but kick it like it is suppose to be kicked. now,... this might be far fetched... but men can't stand a non needy woman.... a woman who by her independence from a romantic connection is in some form or another controlling or fooling herself that she doesn't need, want nor desire a man. well, surprise, sucker, surprise... i don't want you. the last time i had one of yall, i was left with a lifetime commitment. but....but... it gets more interesting and bizarre ... some of these fools actually think they can compete with my son.... like it is somehow probable, they can withstand and contend the adoration and love i have for my son...MY SON!!! and...and... they had the nerve to tell me this, now. *smh* The audacity, the brazenness, DA BALLS of these fools to think they even have a chance in hell they can kiss it.... i swear 'fore yall.

Dr. Martin's birthday is being observed on monday. i guess we are suppose to gear of for black history month... is it me or is bhm becoming almost .... how can i say this... almost routine. like we are programed to appreciate black history, civil right movement, martin l., malcolm x, harriet t., etc, you know... the five black figures in black history that are forced down our throats every year for a set period of 2/1 - 2/28....oh, can't forget that extra day we get every four years. roll out the mcdonald's bhm celebration commercials, break out the black liberation flags, crank up the 'i have a dream' speech. i hope this isn't what it has been reduced to. on this note, i hope all of those first time black voters make it a tradition, a behavior, a routine, a habit to vote every year... for you not to is to desecrate the graves of our ancestors.

2004 no more!!

2005-01-02T09:36:00.000-08:00

I have to post this... sums up the year in 39 questions... thanks Pammy!!

001. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?
Had a child

002. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i can't even remember that far back and no, no more new year's resolutions... if i needs to be done, it will get done.

003. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes,.... ME!!!

004. Did anyone close to you die?
UMMM...thank God no...

005. What countries did you visit?
none,... but that is about to change

006. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
i have received what i think i was searching for... a REAL purpose... my shawty!

007. What dates from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
March 1st when i found out that i was expecting and Nov. 2nd when i finally gave birth...

008. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
this is getting monotonous.... my shawty

009. What was your biggest failure?
becoming complacent in a majority of the roles of my life...

010. Did you suffer illness or injury?
nope... i have been blessed...

011. What was the best thing you bought?
well i bought the service of my friend to build me a new computer... damn good job if i might say so myself.

012. Whose behavior merited celebration?
all of the first-time voters who desperately tried to oust that antichrist...GWB...

013. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed disgusted?
there isn't enough room... but for those who know me, I don't have to complete the answer to this question

014. Where did most of your money go?
Shawty.... i spent more money on hospital bills for him in one year than i have on myself in my whole life... including when i was born.

015. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
i would say shawty but i would be lying,... i was more anxious than excited... i would say maternity leave..don't get me wrong, i appreciate having a job but UGGH!!... i really need a new job

016. What song will always remind you of 2004?
'YEAH!!'... as my mother says... 'Usher and his cute self'

017. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?
a) happier
b) thinner... in some places... fatter in others
c) a helluva lot poorer financially but richer emotionally

018. What do you wish you'd done more of?
praying... and saving..

019. What do you wish you'd done less of?
worrying

020. How will you be spending New Year's Eve?
at home watching dick clark...(regis philbin)

021. Did you fall in love in 2004?
yes... with shawty... but i also fell in love with me over again... i sure do love me some me

022. How many one-night stands?
still riding that celibacy train for all its worth...Amen, pammy!!

023. What was your favorite TV program?
American Dreams

024. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I don't hate anyone... my heart is incapable

025. What was the best book you read?
Lucky - Alice Sebold

026. What was your greatest musical discovery?
had none

027. What did you want and get?
a picture printer is what i still want and i got NOTHING!!!

028. What did you want and not get?
financial freedom...AMEN again, Pammy!

029. What was your favorite film of this year?
The Day After Tomorrow

030. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Nothing at all... just sat back and thank God... i turned 28 years young

031.What one thing would have made your year measurably more satisfying?
financial freedom

032. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
maternity wear... and it sucked!

033. What kept you sane?
Pregnancy... had it not, i would have sliced a few folks in '04

034. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
no one... not a big fan of anyone except for God...

035. What political issue stirred you the most?
how someone so short of common sense could be allowed to serve as president of such a powerful nation

036. Who did you miss?
everyone and noone... made me a better, more self reliant person

037. Who was the best new person you met?
my son... but it was like meeting me all over again except in boy form... he is his mother's child

038. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004.
God hears you...even when you aren't talking.

039. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
He fills me up, he gives me love, more love than i ever seen
He's all I've got, he's all i got in this world

.... God and my son!!!

Threes

2004-12-16T10:05:00.000-08:00

I didn't want to die painfully... God knows, I live painfully as is...

Three names you go by:
Andrea
Drea
Bo

Three screen names you have:
hardwuk
loganandrea
epitomi

Three things you like about yourself:
Sense of humor
My positive attitude
selflessness

Three things you hate/dislike about yourself:
big time procrastinator
lack of patience
the texture of my skin

Three parts of your heritage:
African-American x 3 (holla!)

Three things that scare you:
pit bulls
raising my shawty
not falling in love ever again

Three of your everyday essentials:
my baby boy
music
and music

Three things you are wearing right now:
Siena basketball t-shirt
boxers
spongebob squarepants slippers

Three of your favorite bands/artists (at the moment):
Mario
Houston
Elephant Man

Three of your favorite songs at present:
Elephant Man - Jiggy
Mario - Let Me Love you
Houston - I like that

Three new things you want to try in the next 12 months:
Trip to St. Thomas
beef up my investment portfolio
purchasing my car

Three things you want in a relationship (love is a given):
Patience
Understanding
Acceptance of my shawty

Two truths and a lie:
I'm 5'7
I'm procrastinating right now
I own a pair of assless chaps

Three physical things about the opposite sex (or same) that appeal to you:
masculine hands
soft eyes
and soup coolers

Three things you just can't do:
the harlem shake
rollerblade
bake

Three of your favorite hobbies:
finding things to organize
choreograph new dance steps... i'm so not lying
photography

Three things you want to do really badly right now:
win the lotto
sleep ten hours straight
move the hell out of dodge

Three careers you're considering:
Stay at home mom
Interior decorator
Daycare center director

Three places you want to go on vacation:
St. Thomas
Costa Rica
Moscow

Three kids names:
Grant
Ryan
Joi

Three things you want to do before you die:
Raise my shawty
travel the world
gain that peace of mind we all search for

Three people who have to take this quiz now or die painfully:
Ranada Dejoi
Joy/L.R.T
Muffin

the farmer in the dell....

2004-12-07T21:54:00.001-08:00

never knew how many nursery rhymes they were and how often i was straight jacking up the lyrics to the three i knew,before i had shawty... Shawty and I spend his feeding time with me singing the wrong words to recently learnt songs and he seems to not mind. My Shawty.... god i'm in love with this little boy...

so, officially, i'm getting a little damn tired being home. my ass is raw from sitting down and if i see that damn target commercial one more time, imma jet li the tv on the floor. here is the routine.... wake up,... that is, if i have gotten any sleep, wash and sterilize baby's bottles, walk the dog, feed the dog, wash myself, eat, wash the baby, feed him again, put him to sleep, put me to sleep, wake up, change him, feed him, prepare his bottles, put him to sleep, put me to sleep etc... you get the dang picture. i do log on from time to time to chat with msthing.... how i relish those moments in which i get to be epi/mommy instead of mommy/daddy/auntie/godmother... yall get that picture too. so... i'm on my quest to make a move from this here place... get the hell out of dodge. the preparation is so dang tedious... got to make moves though... shawty is motivation headquarters, incorporated... plus, i needs to bounce before i rock baddy in his face, ya heard.

Kanye and his damn 10 grammy nods... bastid... a crying bastid. I hope they leave his ass high and dry like they did at the AMA's. He is one of those people who loves nothing better than to hear himself talk... i'm like, Brother, if you are talking all the damn time, when can you possibly be listening? what a schmiel. another humbling moment.... DC has been nominated for one... I guess they couldn't do B wrong.... cause 'lose my breath' is hardly worth it. Regardless, I will be sure to tune in.

You know, sadly enough, i have a sore spot for Marion Jones... com'on nah, we all know her ass was, probably still is, on steroids. I watched the 20/20 special. but even before then, i was thoroughly convinced that at the very least, she kept bad company. I was once a track star (brushing shoulder off) and the competition is ridiculous on the amateur circuit....so i can only imagine,... maybe not even imagine... what it is like on the Olympic level. there is no team in individual sports (Olympics or not) especially one as visible, as popular, as widespread as track and field. they can say olympic team as much as they want to but there is only space for one face on that wheaties box. but unfortunately, in her case, the end didn't justify the means and now she is standing there with cake on her face despite how much she has chosen to ignore it. I think she should shut her mouth and be glad they aren't able(or at least i don't think so) to strip her of her medals.

okay, it is late and best believe, i will be complaining tomm when i am dead dog tired. got to complain! isn't that the American way even when everything is ya own dang on fault?... holla!