I need a man without a pecker

sidenote:
I should sell my vote on ebay. I feel as if it would be wasting it anyway, might as well benefit from it. Kerry has continuously let the republican party define his campaign. He has done nothing but blast bush on every aspect of bush’s campaign and has provided his own hide as bait. So the f what? We all know bush is the antichrist, Kerry, needn’t convince us of that. What you need to do is convince us that you aren’t one of the antichrist’s henchmen.

I’m starting the bid at 100 bucks.

resume:
So, back to a man without a pecker…. Not to get too graphic. Ever since the conception of Shawty, I haven’t the desire for relations. No, let me break the severity of it down…. I find sex repulsive. Like thinking about sex to me brings me close to convulsion induced vomiting. I am not worried to the extent that I have contacted my GP about remedies because I have no one to have relations with anyway. I am not certain that this is a phase for it feels very permanent. But, either way, I just do not care…hence my hunt of the pecker less man. My child is going to find this one day, undoubtedly, before she/he is ready to read the truth about mommy dearest, s/he will think I’m either queer, bi-polar or (insert modern-day slang meaning bugging). My nookie is out of commission. (been out of commission for like six months now…) Like I once heard a good friend of mine say…. I’m tired of being humped on. The only time I can remember some good coming from being humped is the conception of Shawty. So I guess when I am ready to have another Shawty, I will commence to being humped. Any peckerless men reading? Being a mathematician in addition to being peckerless…. BIG +.

a theory, an answer.. something... give me something!

like my new found friend and fellow bronxican, X.... I love reality shows.. .well not all... just real world, class reunion, maybe once in a while, surreal life with washed up c-list actors and actresses... i was recently viewing the real world san diego, @#$* they should have aired.... or something like that. and on their, jacquese, whom i still believe redeemed the black man stereotype of real world past (possibly future) was chatting about the 'ism'. now.... i never heard about this ism in which he rants about. but what got me was when he mentioned, i quote ' the jewelry and the toolery'. . that is that ish right there. nj represent. I am swore up and down i wouldn't get hooked on this damn season of real world, but i failed. can someone please tell me why and how do some gay men get the lisp... I even asked my male friend who is gay, what the hell is up with the lisp... please tell me. he just keeled over in laughter which pissed me off, damn ass-bastard. i'm figuring he doesn't really know so avoidance or he was probably wondering the same damn thing and just expressed that with clutching his belly and rolling off the bed. he then mentioned to me that i sounded like a white person asking a black person, why do you speak in slang... it is a cultural thing that some adopt while others don’t. i said... 'um'. and left that at that before i say something to sail my ass up ish creek.

being that the time is winding down until baby is with us in the flesh, i'm beginning, now, my punk ass, to get scared. like the 'what ifs'. like what if he wants to move out to live with his father when he gets older. or what if he moves far far away and i never see him? I will be torn. i don't know. these hormones have me acting the fool. no one told me about this right here. nor did anyone informed me about having the pee like a race house every ninety minutes. running to the bathroom only to deliver little squirts like i'm marking my got damn territory. Further more, shawty was moving so much this morning i really thought he was trying to escape... and when he finally did stop moving, i thought to myself..'dang, did he fall out?'.... I had to look just to make sure. For all those who wonder, he is safe, tucked and well hidden.
So i was talking to my bf Thel about how out of our high school click, say about 12 of us, only two out of the 12 grew up with their father. that shit got my skin bubbling. Now, thel, she also has a child, baby girl about 2 years old. Her and her baddy tried to make things work.... like her ass really tried. I mean she tried to the point where people were questioning her sanity. but still, things didn't work out. she grew up with a mia dad as well. now i have tried to work things out with baddy, but after two tries, i said bump it. i'm tired and i'm older and i need to prepare my mind and spirit for something bigger than a skewed romantic relationship with someone who obviously sought more meaning in the clubs than i care to be considered. my dad was mia for about 12 yrs of my life... a good chunk. only to rear his head at my college graduation. unbelievable. there isn't a sound difference between our mia and the baddys. even though both of our baby's father have been there and have plans to remain, this is no guarantee. we were discussing this trying to figure out what the hell is it.... like is it a cycle or is it something more complex and involved. i asked my mom last night, ' when you and the mia met up again, weren’t you upset with him leaving you to fend by yourself with two heads of kids?' she said no. she had no time to be upset. maybe i'm not progressive enough to understand but i just don't understand.... is it because black women are use to 'doing it for ourselves' that we refuse to put in due effort to make a relationship, thus a family, work? is it a joint fugg-up? or is it our bad choices in men? i don't know. i don't bail out on taking fault but on this one, i'm stumped. why is it that the black family is high-tailing from existence?

Petey Pablo and I need to get together to make more babies

I don’t think ppl really understand how little I know about baddy.. now don’t go calling me a slut or fast or harlot…well at least not to my face because I know some of yall will call me something either way. Shawty was a pure accident. Unplanned. I knew baddy for only a short period of time before the conception despite contraception used. Take heed… condoms aren’t always enough. Ya need to insulate,…. You know, double up or by golly triple up on the birth control. We knew the basics but there was no introductions of parents. I wasn’t really feeling him like that at the time. I just thought he was a good looking guy, decent citizens and he had his shit together… well, for the most part. That right there is why I’m glad he is the father, if for no other reason at all. shawty’s father is a stand-up kind of guy. Now, just this doesn’t make him the one for me… we are never going to walk down the aisle together, never live in the same house. We will take family pictures and have family meetings etc, but the buck stops there. There are set backs in this all. I have no real desire to get to know his family. None whatsoever. I don’t see the point, probably won’t ever see it either. And I doubt if they have any reason to even want to get to know me. I have met his immediate family because I thought that was pertinent. I’m pretty sure shawty will have to spend time at least with his Nana. Now baddy wants to have his cousin baby-sit. I’m like, I don’t know her. And even if I did, I don’t know her enough to trust her with my only child. Sorry dude. I know it will save money but not my peace of mind. He thinks I’m being rude and feel that my family is more suitable than his. Very f-ing possible. Why the f she don’t got no job? (that was the only way to ask that question) is she disable? No. does she have infants at home? No. is she between jobs? no. nah, dude. That is okay. I’m not having idle folks around shawty just for the sake of saving pennies, dude, it isn’t worth it. I would rather pay the 19 grand I was telling yall about before. Get on my nerves. Ugh, I’m so anti men right now.

I'm going to post some pictures soon... gross some of you all out. have some of you really twice thinking childbearing.

So, I have just finish reading ‘The Lovely Bones’ by Alice Seabold… great read. I’m now reading ‘The Five People You Meet in Heaven’ by Mitch Albom. actually i just finished reading it and i was not as impressed as i thought i should be for $7. I don’t understand my new founded interest in the views of death. I don’t know if I realize now more than ever that I’m quite vincible, and, yes, my bowels can smell horrible… I’m still waiting for more things to be revealed to me, ya know, help me understand how I got here. Am I too old to self-reflect and, on some, level ask for pardon for my blatant mistakes? I feel like it is too late to want to clean house and maybe I should just move the hell out and let someone else deal with the mess left behind. Maybe I’m being pretentious. Nah, that can’t be it…I’m marvelous: I just have some issues that need some tending to.

so, here are the five things i plan to do in the five days after i give birth:

day 1: sleep on my belly
day 2: cut my toenails
day 3: join a gym
day 4: dye my hair
day 5: go shopping!!


Alright, let me go fella shopping. I need to find me a beautiful mathematician so we me can make some beautiful quantitative love... Ciao, belles

Thank you all for the happy birthday wishes. Thank you individually, Z (Xquizzyt1, for you all who didn't know...i just made that up, play along) MsThing (P.I.C.), the Kid, Mrs. Pearson (dang it, i'm lazy... i'm pregnant... i'mma milk this until i can not) and Rhapsodi… I had a great one! I had a splendid evening and I felt so appreciative of life all at once. It wasn’t just the phone calls, text messages or emails, but it was more so that just this time ten years ago, I was going through… through it all… just trying to find myself and be understood and understand others. It was a process because I didn’t understand that that shit wasn’t near vital to anything… not to whom I was, who I loved and what it all mattered. I just wanted to be accepted and liked. But, at this juncture in my life, I can tell anybody kiss my ass and never look back because believe me, I told you to kiss my ass, you weren’t much of anything to shed a second thought over anyway. But it also would take a lot to get me to that point that I would be willing to tell anybody I have developed some type of kinship with to kiss my ass and not look back. I once was hot-tempered… spit fiyah, a fighter…. I was highly emotional; I mean I incorporated every extreme of emotions in my daily life. if I wasn’t extremely happy, mad or sad in one day, something was off. Today, I think I’m pretty leveled. I’m still working on me though, but the different is, I’m not working on me for others, but working on me for me. Holla, got damnit!

So yesterday the city was under siege of torrential downpour. Oh my Lord. My usual 40 min commute was converted into 2hrs and 23 mins. The trains were brought to a standstill because of flooding on the tracks. And then you have the inapt pa system that was blaring from not only the trains themselves but also from platform management…. Not only blaring but blaring incorrect information. Had my black ass running up and down steps like I was getting paid to do that shit. Shawty was through… kicking and moving… because of over stimuli…. with the bouncing, the noise and me overheating I know Shawty was just as weary. I was so tired and frustrated and soaked… I really want to just squat Indian style in the middle of 34th street and cry it was just that overwhelming. Not to mention, I woke up late and had to rush after having a bad dream about a kangaroo chasing me for what seemed to be all night. I just couldn’t get away from this damn kangaroo. Somebody, please tell me what the hell that means?!! Anyway, this is how my 28th birthday started off.. shitty!
Let me tell you how God is mysterious. I have been fretting over childcare for shawty for when (if?) I go back to work. Like who can I trust and will I be able to afford. I was looking for a daycare center because I have no family members in the area who does not work or anyone who I know just had a child and have already obtained a trustworthy (so we all hope) caregiver. But I did know of centers … ones I couldn’t afford. Or could afford but I wouldn’t dare because it is highway robbery. One of them wanted $19,000 a year. I said cot damn. That is almost the cost of my college education for a year except that included books, room, board and health insurance. Now tell me, how am I to milk at $19,000 investment in a 4 month old baby? One that can not walk talk or shit on its own?!! I felt disrespected when that lady told me the tuition. So I said well this should be the high end of the going rate. So the low end has to be around $10,000. I’m not paying this.. I refuse. The cheapest I have found is for a home daycare for about $ 800 for weekdays. Now, being that my mom is off on wed and baddy is off on Thursday, that only leaves 3 days for day care services so that should run us …let’s see…. 800/20=$40 a day * 3 =120 * 4 =480. (Mathematics is orgasmic…mathematics and I can really get something going). Now, 480 a month, I can deal. That is a bargain to me. Only thing is, I don’t know this lady… she might try to kidnap my baby and I will have to kill her and there will be a big trial that will last for years and it will have rallies demanding my release, I wouldn’t see shawty until he is five and then by that time, baddy would probably have erased all memories of me because he is, after all, a bastid. Okay, all else is possible but baddy isn’t a bastid,… or is he? Hummm…jokes!!! So walking to work today, this lady that has been my mom’s friend for the longest has opened up her daycare service. She has babysat my sister’s kids before they turn of age but she had refuse infants because the daycare center in which she worked didn’t have the staff to infant ratio. She asked me if I had any plans for the baby and I said, none yet. She said well, you know I have my own service now. If I see you or your mom, I will give you the info you need. This doesn’t guarantee anything but, whew yall! For real..! the location is perfect if this does come into fruition. This means I won’t have to purchase a car until I move from my mother which could also mean I can get one new instead of used or…or …. I can purchase property and still buy a used car. *slow motion for me, slow motion for me, move it slow motion for me* So if this truly does work out…. I have known the lady for years, respect her and if anything happens, I don’t think many people would miss her if she never returned from her trip to the market. *wink * God is a good God.

long time

I had a great three day weekend, you know, being that my days are now full of endless misery. I’m big, yall… just really BIG. I’m all baby as of now but still… I feel as if I’m carrying a cubed fridge in my midsection and I’m suffering.

My high school brothers had a bbq on Sunday. Now, this wasn’t your ordinary bbq. It was thrown together in a matter of three days…. They decided on Thursday that they should have something to tie up the end of summer. Now, I will admit, the confidence in my brothers to do this was damn near non-existent, but somehow they pulled it off. I mean I was thoroughly impressed…. The food, the music, the turnout, everything was well done… They are making it into an annual event and next year, so it was said, they will tie it in with my birthday (yeah, my birthday is tomorrow...:) It was about 15 of us from high school, guests and guests of guests. And then, you saw all of these little ones running around. I was like, well, got damn! Is this a damn nursery or what? I never realized how we have all grown up. Jobs, responsibilities, families… just pure craziness. I have known these ppl more than half of my life, when they had pimples and crack voices,… I even cussed a few of them out …. And now they are raising their own little ppl, planning and making ways out of no way. So by this time next year, at least two of us will have new additions to the Walton High School family, (bx, represent). And we all have become surrogate parents to each other kids and I don’t believe any of use would change that for the world.

Speaking of birthdays, I will be 28 tomorrow. Ten years ago, I was just entering college, naïve as all get out and still a ‘good girl’. Fast forward ten yrs from then, working (or some form of that) at the same firm for the pass six years, tad bit thicker, hell of a lot wiser and yes, with child. Ten years professes a lot… more than I would like to remember and a whole lot more than I would like to admit. I saw the ex again at the bbq…. Looking very handsome in his canary yellow polo shirt. Although he still makes my heart go pitter-patter and how I once thought him ‘the one’, I have come to the realization I was sorely mistaken. I never knew how my feelings for him would become so trivialized. If I had felt just a nudge of my shawty’s foot, head, ass, elbow, ear, whatever, in my belly, my attention was snatched back to baby and I would rub until I felt he was as at his most comfortable. This is when I really realize that I won’t be dating for a long ass time. I’m too all up under shawty, too concerned and involved to the extent that I wouldn’t allow myself to share my resources with anyone else…. My money, my time, my attention, my affection, my devotion… it isn’t something I’m willing to part with for anyone except for shawty. This shit might sound weird for folks without kids, but when you have your little one, you will understand in its totality.
Baddy is taking me out for my birthday. Go right on ahead. I was never the one to turn down food and a flick. I know my biological father is going to call me on the ninth instead of the eighth, like he has for the past ten-twelve years, and I will be piss paul mad, AGAIN. My mother will give me a card with 29 bucks in it, the money I just gave her for herself. My sister probably will call if she isn’t still mad. My nieces will make me cards from the cardboard of their shoeboxes (the most anticipated gift). This birthday is so much more special than the pervious ones…. So much joy I have been filled with and so much more to be thankful for. My little doggie, Texas, birthday is September 9th…us lovely ass Virgos… don’t hate. God, how freaking wonderful are we?!! No, seriously… how wonderful are we?!! (p~) He and I will share some birthday cake as well and I will also take him to get groomed. He deserves it. Yes, I’m one of those crazy dog ppl, too.