this that and the third

It has been a sawed off adventure telling my ex’s that I’m expecting.  You can always tell the ones who are genuinely happy for you and those who think you have driven a stake through their little itty bitty hearts.  It is interesting to see in the least.  I’m trying to regain some sense on normalcy with the ex’s that are now friends.  I don’t want our friendship to be affected but im not performing any backbreaking stunts to prevent their egos from being bruised.  Ya obviously didn’t care that much to begin with….. only right after you realized your ship has most definitely sailed.  But all well I hope ends well. If not, aww well.  

At the club the other night, my boy’s birthday party, his brother, my ex, was there chilling… with his hussy girlfriend… did I say hussy?  Yeah, I did!  Well hussy must have known that I was the notorious ex that broke her current boyfriend’s heart back in high school for she sure was throwing mad shade.  I was like honey, Ise very pregnant but my fist ain’t, so tread lightly.  Plus, your ass brand new…. I was her ‘honey’s’ first love… and that I will always be and he will be mine, so chalk that up to your loses.  Anyway, back to the ex….He was there and he wasn’t to please with my pregnant state.  I guess he was hoping me barren for the rest of my days and I just so happened to break his curse.  Evil begets evil, damnit.  Plus I got the Lord on my side, so take that.  Side note: I sure do miss him.

 So, I have tried to set up this stupid Upromise crap to begin saving for Shawty’s education.  I don’t know if I’m doing this right, but this junk doesn’t seem to be working.   I haven’t accumulated a damn cent yet and I have had this crap up for more than a month and I’m the credit/debit card queen, let me tell it.  If anybody has been through this Upromise bid, please hit a sista up and help a sista out… thanks!!  Shawty says.... 'One.'

revelations and other shi

I really got to stop cussing.... i will... before baby is born... and i can because i have will-power, damnit!

you know... everyday all damn day, i feel shawty move, twirling a banton in my damn belly dropping it, picking it up, twirling it, dropping it... never ending saga. i'm ready to pop... all of this is making me damn near crazy but... i loves shawty... can i be a ride or die mom? a do or die momma? shawty might say... 'nah ma, get your own geriatric posse and allow me to shoot these hoops, dun.'  as long as he has subject verb agreements and the proper use of prepositions, it is all good. he can talk that new age jive all it wants. So, i went out on sat. to the club. yeah, all of five months pregnant... but my homeboy's girlfriend had a surprised birthday party for him at this expensive ass club and, i have known him more than half of my life, so i couldn't not go. had a good time.... shawty didn't because it kicked punched and elbowed me to whole damn night. even after i go home, it was still twirking and dropping that got damn banton. so needless to say, no more clubbing until shawty is born...at the very, very least. i don't want to be like its father and shawty asking where i'm at and somebody telling them go check at the club and crazy shit like that. that will never...like me reiterate, NEVER be the case sure is my name's what my name is. other than that, nothing more has transpire... well in accordance with shawty. i'm tired as hell. wonder sometimes how i manage to get up and down to go to the bathroom five six seven eight times a day. i'm slowly beginning to favor the grinch in 'how the grinch stole christmas'... yeah... my belly is that BIG in proportion to my very slender build. nah, i'm lying... my body isn't near slender... more like a fender bender... what can i expect when i'm delivering a miracle... i bet you men wish you can say that.

so, the whole marriage thing came up more time than i thought it would being that we are all progressive and stuff... (i'm lying and talking a whole lot of bull but just let me speak on it). so my mom, in all of her glory, asked me about marriage. i'm calmly told her i never knew a wedding band to take care of a baby in my life. i'm not in love with the father. i love him dearly, but i'm not in love with him. i'm not going to marry near a body just to get a divorce, to cave in to societal pressure that is so hypocritical in nature that for me to even begin i would have to use all nine lives of mine. and i'm already operating on life five.  if he wants to be a good father, attentive one, a patient one... we don't have to marry for him to do so. i'm trying to raise my child to be healthy, productive, proud, honest, outstanding and most importantly, loved.... with the least amount of confusion as possible. i will not present before shawty lies of enormous amounts so it can feels a sense of security (fake, it nothing more). i don't think my baby will understand a lot of my decisions and will probably blame me until Christ walks the earth again  but i'm going to do what i think is best for me which i believe will be best for it. okay, enough before i start bawling over here. it is amazing how emotional i have gotten since becoming pregnant... one might mistake me for a punk... but don't get it twisted, i will f something up.... toodles.

and so it goes....

NOTE: okay, i do believe in free speech, but if anyone ever questions my mothering and/or my mothering ablity, you are going to wish you hadn't. if anyone has anything to say about shawty, don't... it will be in your best interest. believe me. kay? good!

now that is out the way....
so, i went to see shawty wednesday,... i'm 21 wks and shawty is looking marvelous. eating, yawning stretching, pushing my intestines and bladder out of the way to make room for its one toe. i stayed strong and resilent agains the pressure of temptation... meaning, i didn't request the knowledge of the sex. God is always on the side of the right. from this point on, it is all about waiting for the arrival.... for the meeting of the eyes when that visual connection is made. nothing is prepared because i really don't know where i'm living... so i have a pile of crap at my mom's house in my old room. when shawty arrives, that will be our room for two wks until i'm good and tired of my mom correcting everything i do. i will then bid her farewell and do things on my own. guy is weakening under the pending arrival... hard ass and so full of it knowing he has never been this in love with anything or anyone as much as he loves this baby. the baby looks just like him... fat cheeks, sizable head, high forehead and those eyes... how can you not love something that so strongly resembels you?

now, i can sense there is going to be some problems with the grandparents. naturally, the baby is going to be closer to its maternal grandparents because that is just how things are. i can see guy getting upset because i'm spending a great deal of time over at my moms with the baby hence hindering bonding time with his mom... i can understand this concern because i would be pissed as well. but i have never raised a child nor has he... being a mom, and a daughter of a mom, i am going to trust my mother's motherly wisdom to help me raise shawty. i don't know his mom like that to sit up under her while she tries to school me. but beleive me, this will be an unfolding saga that i'm not up to deal with now, but when the time comes. i pray God blesses me with patience between now and then. alright, shawty says stay up... and so do i.

sentiments

so... im 20 wks and half way there... well wait a minute... is there really a half where when you are given a life long responsibility.... i think i would prefer staying pregnant for the rest of my life than having the burdening thought of shaping and molding a black child in today's society. but God wanted a challenge for me and damn if i got it. now i love kids... other ppl's kids. i'm scared shiless wondering anticipating the personality of this here wonder child... i want it to be a certain type of person with the passion for this that and the third. living vicariously through it... i think all parents do... you know why, cause we all did and did not do something and that is why we are still longing to correct the mistakes made.... through our children. does that make us parents losers? if that is the case, shi i will be a loser.... you are damn right i don't like working 9 to 5 today just to work 9 to 5 tomorrow. i want my baby to wizen up to this billshi system and make momma some money. get ours in this capitalist system :|) damn that... my big ass belly is my 401k plan. holla!! jokes folks, jokes. I don't need anyone cussing my name... after all i'm rubber and you're glue and i don't care what you have to say any damn way... but i still love you.

So i'm listening to my musiq soulstar cd and there has always been this track that i was digging since day one.. track number 10, Thereason. now, for the record, i'm not sappy, but i'm in love with shawty,... shawty is my first love... i never knew i was capable of loving any one thing, person or place as deeply, as intensely, as strongly, as unconditionally as i do shawty... I love this baby more than i love ten of me... but back to the story, here is a snippet of the lyrical content in 'thereason'...


Artist : Musiq Soulchild

Title : Thereason

Album : Soulstar

Genre : R&B


[Chorus]
All I am and all that I will ever be
Is because of you and I am proud to say
That you helped make me into what I am today
I applaud you for being so patient with me
All I am and all that I will ever be
Is because of you and I am proud to say
No one else could do what you have done for me
You mean the worked to me (yeah)


There were times when I was so
Frustrated with you
I felt I didn't want you no more
But then I realized
That without you I would be so alone (yeah)
Whatever right or wrong and im so glad I did cause

See you cause a changed in my life
You turned an empty heart into work of art
And open my eyes to the world
I would have never known, for that im grateful
You are my pride and my joy
The closest thing to me next to God above
and will for-ever be my first love
And im always gonna give my all to you


now if that ain't some gut wrenching, bawl your eyes ducts out, spit on your neck type feelin', i don't know what is... and i wouldn't give it up for the world.