a theory, an answer.. something... give me something!

like my new found friend and fellow bronxican, X.... I love reality shows.. .well not all... just real world, class reunion, maybe once in a while, surreal life with washed up c-list actors and actresses... i was recently viewing the real world san diego, @#$* they should have aired.... or something like that. and on their, jacquese, whom i still believe redeemed the black man stereotype of real world past (possibly future) was chatting about the 'ism'. now.... i never heard about this ism in which he rants about. but what got me was when he mentioned, i quote ' the jewelry and the toolery'. . that is that ish right there. nj represent. I am swore up and down i wouldn't get hooked on this damn season of real world, but i failed. can someone please tell me why and how do some gay men get the lisp... I even asked my male friend who is gay, what the hell is up with the lisp... please tell me. he just keeled over in laughter which pissed me off, damn ass-bastard. i'm figuring he doesn't really know so avoidance or he was probably wondering the same damn thing and just expressed that with clutching his belly and rolling off the bed. he then mentioned to me that i sounded like a white person asking a black person, why do you speak in slang... it is a cultural thing that some adopt while others don’t. i said... 'um'. and left that at that before i say something to sail my ass up ish creek.

being that the time is winding down until baby is with us in the flesh, i'm beginning, now, my punk ass, to get scared. like the 'what ifs'. like what if he wants to move out to live with his father when he gets older. or what if he moves far far away and i never see him? I will be torn. i don't know. these hormones have me acting the fool. no one told me about this right here. nor did anyone informed me about having the pee like a race house every ninety minutes. running to the bathroom only to deliver little squirts like i'm marking my got damn territory. Further more, shawty was moving so much this morning i really thought he was trying to escape... and when he finally did stop moving, i thought to myself..'dang, did he fall out?'.... I had to look just to make sure. For all those who wonder, he is safe, tucked and well hidden.
So i was talking to my bf Thel about how out of our high school click, say about 12 of us, only two out of the 12 grew up with their father. that shit got my skin bubbling. Now, thel, she also has a child, baby girl about 2 years old. Her and her baddy tried to make things work.... like her ass really tried. I mean she tried to the point where people were questioning her sanity. but still, things didn't work out. she grew up with a mia dad as well. now i have tried to work things out with baddy, but after two tries, i said bump it. i'm tired and i'm older and i need to prepare my mind and spirit for something bigger than a skewed romantic relationship with someone who obviously sought more meaning in the clubs than i care to be considered. my dad was mia for about 12 yrs of my life... a good chunk. only to rear his head at my college graduation. unbelievable. there isn't a sound difference between our mia and the baddys. even though both of our baby's father have been there and have plans to remain, this is no guarantee. we were discussing this trying to figure out what the hell is it.... like is it a cycle or is it something more complex and involved. i asked my mom last night, ' when you and the mia met up again, weren’t you upset with him leaving you to fend by yourself with two heads of kids?' she said no. she had no time to be upset. maybe i'm not progressive enough to understand but i just don't understand.... is it because black women are use to 'doing it for ourselves' that we refuse to put in due effort to make a relationship, thus a family, work? is it a joint fugg-up? or is it our bad choices in men? i don't know. i don't bail out on taking fault but on this one, i'm stumped. why is it that the black family is high-tailing from existence?