imma tell you this much... if you are becoming a mom, be prepared to turn into a b.b. (bonafide bitch). everyone has questions about my decisions on having a child, one, two, out of wedlock and three in new york city. now, this might be a surprise to us progressive folks, but there still lie a few dumbasses who deem it their business in finding out the method to my madness. when i first found out i was expecting, all types of emotions went through me in a fing nanosecond and the only feel left within me was anticipation followed by joy. needless to say, i didn't know what the hell i was getting into. i still don't know. but i laid down, did the do, fully aware of the possibilities, and now behaving in a responsible manner. i.e., i don't believe in abortions. had i, this blog wouldn't exist.

not to be preachy, but this is my blog so...

"..... one in three African American pregnancies end in abortion, that over 1,200 black children die every day, and an estimated 70 percent of abortion providers are in minority neighborhoods." said Star Parker, a member of Care Net's board of directors. "Abortion in the black community has become a form of genocide." - sleep on that.


as i was saying, motherhood turns the average woman into stupen-dor bitch... you don't give a flying f about anything anyone has to say. you don't feel a need to answer any ones questions with words, just actions if it is called upon. you honestly feel like it is you and your shawty against the world and act as if so. in the words of my dear friend Mary 'you gangsta, andrea' why, thank you, Mary. ... *inhale* baby daddy and i parted ways. and i don't give a fuk either, though, i sincerely wish i did. i'm like good... i feel so relieved... not about to put up with any ones shit... trust. and am even less readied to put up with whatever shit you are about to give my child. my coworker told me today that the reason why i don't have a man is because i won't let a man be a man. i said, sure i do.... you can clutch your peanuts and watch football all you want, but i would be one desperate ass b. if i let some man come up in my space and even think about pissing on me... ain't gonna happen. i will cut him clear across the face, father or no father before i let that happened. i will not let my child think that me settling for 'good enough' is even an option. not when i know there is better. even if i'm never with another man for the rest of my life, i can feel comfortable knowing i didn't settle for mediocrity... and i can champion that for my child, if him alone. i can show him better than i can tell him. he would know that his mom wasn't settling for no grade d meat.... subpar treament and lackluster handling. i will not lead it to believe that we do not need love or affection or commitment, but all of these things are well and good in healthy doses. that you cant love no body how ever much you want to love them, but love them only how much they let you. if it is none, then you get your ass to stepping. it really isn't that hard. trust me,... i'm still learning. i'm not looking forward to these discussion... where i'm telling my daughter... 'i could have told you that ni**a was no good' or my son 'she ain't nothing but a scally wag, anyway'. *exhale* i do sound bitter. i'm just so infuriated that he, not me, allowed this to happen. we both grow up without a father and as he tell it, he wanted to stop the cycle. i too, wanted and still want that. but at what cost? i know and feel and live the affects of absentee dad every day of my life... still years later. i wanted more for my child, if just that much more. i can taste the words of 'kiss my ass' on the tip of my lips every time i talk to the sperm donor....every time i speak with him. wanting to ask him... 'what the fuck you want, nigga? stop calling me!... you didn't have a need or want or desire to be all up in my grill ten, fifteen years ago, so what is your need now? leave me alone!' i don't want the animosity or hate or disdain to be felt ... it isn't a good feeling to want to spit in person's face who gave you life. but big up to my momma for saying ain't no way in this hell or that one daddy-o was going to shi on her. holla mama! if i'm taught anything by today's events is life is one big joke that nobody is laughing at.

okay... the rant is over and it is four days since i wrote the above. whew... that took a lot out out of me. i'm less angry today and baby daddy has really been trying to play it cool... if only he knew what i knew....he had the nerve to tell me he is having a hard time coming to terms with change. i'm like your medieval ass... we all do. does he think i'm ready to be a parent... hell nah! probably will never be ready to be one. but i would be damned if my child ever thinks anything less of my abilities. my mom says i am picking fights only because i'm pregnant. i said momma, you and i both know i would pop somebody in the mouth pregnant or not. i got that shi from you.... she just laughed because she knows it is true. the apple and the tree. alright, baby and i are about to bounce. we have to go eat...well i have to go eat... i'm 25wks this coming wednesday. baby is moving like a rolling stone... everyday, my love for shawty grows more intense and i cry happy tears whenever i sing to it or read to it or just rub my belly while it tears in my insides up with the throwing of 'bows... i haven't cried happy tears in ten years plus. I was watching joel osteen last night, you know, the lakeview, tx minster, and he was talking about how when you are done wrong by the haters, God blesses and restores you ten times over... that is why/what Shawty is, a blessing ten times over. now haters, including you, you lame touche, top that. love you, MsThing!!!

haven't forgot about you either, Joy, Shun and Ranada!!! I will be by soon!! take care and muuaahh!