i have one of those days where you are sat down by reality and how real and tangible everything around has became. i have been having that kind of week.... where i can see and touch and feel and taste every second of my day. i have been having such horrible chest pains and i haven't gotten upset and blame baby at all. just deal. and it was the second in which i shrugged it off that i realized that all along, this baby isn't here for my purpose, this is my baby this isn't my child, but one of Gods sent through me to nature and mold into one of his fearing creature. i have only been the mean to the ends. i can bitch and complain all up and down this day but this is God's plan so i might as well yell my complaints to ocean because there is where it has stayed.


i have begin trying to stay positive about baby daddy. just not talking badly about him to anyone just maintaining a happy disposition for my health and the health of the baby. i also don't want to be one of those moms that has nothing but bad things to say about baby daddy. i want his action to prove it either way. my child, undoubtedly with a mom like me, will be intelligent and observant to know what is right wrong or otherwise. i trust he will make his sole sound judgment and keep it moving. i was carrying some groceries home today... two heavy bags but not heavy enough where i hear pops and clicks in my neck and shi, but heavy enough to know i shouldn't be carrying these heavy ass bags. i think this is only the beginning, the physical, of said burden within the blessing, I have yet to experience in its entirety. and in even knowing that i shouldn't have been the one carrying those bags... that baby daddy, sister to baby momma or anyone else could/should have been there to help carry those bags, that isn't/ hasn't been the case. im going to be the one carrying the emotional burden, the mental burden, the spiritual burden of my seed. and to say the lease, i'm honored. i love my child.... there is nothing i can imagine i wouldn't do for it. i wish every parent felt that way... the immense amount of love and self sacrifice that you can muster up and place that on the value of whatever you do for your child. thinking about it, i wonder if that is how my mom felt... like she was willing to dodge bullets to protect her girls. i can't even think about that right now,... i'm already an mess. my kid is going to think i'm a emotional wreck. but that is okay... that are many moons to mother i'm sure he will find out.

i have been one mean bitch. lol. and i don't care. i'm like look, shit, i'm tired. i can't clip my toenails, what else you want me to be? joyful? anyway, at the pizza place you know, eating a pizza and this guy comes up to me asking me for some change. no, mother...excuse my language... 1) do not invade my space especially while i'm eating... you might just end up dying, bleeding to death from the cut my toes done shanked you with 2) i'm pregnant....no further explanation needed 3) your gear is fresher and flyer than mine, hawk some of that shi... like that jansport bookbag you have on your back, nicca. he can't be that hungry.... you sur'll is shaking that cup with much vigor.