i....

live for a wonderful God....

i have been going through some changes.... if i don't return, blogging is one of those changes....

stay up

the reason...

The reason for me.... for me living, laughing, wishing plotting, punching punk niccas in the face, hoping etc. it is the little things. i was sitting with my legs crossed and i had Grant sitting on the floor right beside me playing with his leap frog games and he did the cutest thing. I'm swinging my leg vigorously out of sheer anxiety because I need a mother effing job, and he takes hold of my foot and starts to hug it with both arms tightly against his chest. He then looks at the tattoo near my left ankle and starts scratching wildly like it was self adhesive printed artwork. I yelp from being startled and that just prompts him to continue to scratch until the artwork is either gone or bloody. He is my Grant jan.

okay, now for the gritty.... I'm going for my bi annual std check up... Got to make sure there are no uninvited guess up in my box... or anywhere else for that matter. I just started this ritual recently because this need to be made a habit.... I'm not one for surprises anyway so this actually works out in my favor. I took tomorrow off to make sure they have time to check for e'rry damn thing... plus diseases they haven't even named yet.... I want them to run down a list of sexually transmitted diseases and check yes or no... None of that complicated shit like they do now... They give you eight pages of medical paper work,...Front and back... And the dang results are somewhere in between. It is like a painful 16 page search through medical terminology that is pretty much irrelevant and finally you just ask the damn doctor to just show you where it states your status. He then puts on his glasses and fingers through the paper work (because he too, has no idea why they have 16 pages of bullshit that answers one lone closed-end question) all the while you are looking over his shoulder waiting to either piss your pants or slip him the tongue... . And then he tells you, here it is.... And he points to a word....The word... In a twelve sentence paragraph on page 7...The exact page in which you lost your patients... Your heart starts beating ten beats per second....You swallow once, hold your breath... Retrieve the 8 pages... Stapled....From Dr. Kahn, gasp and read the results... Finally you are able to ...

well, why don't you all go and find out....

BTW, boo to them damn spurs. They suck rabid dog ass.

ciao

B = Bold, I = Italic, S = Publish, D = Draft

I ain’ got nothing to talk about. Nothing has been going on. *crickets* but I’m excited about the casual dress down day on Friday here at daily hell. No that isn’t my corporation’s name but it should be. We are mandated to dress in business attire everyday meaning shirt tie jacket for men, closed-toe shoes, stockings and blazers for women. This is everyday, including Fridays, including the summer months. Some how someone here was able to screw the building manager, literally, and he agreed to one solitary day out of the year to let us dress in ‘smart’ business casual. Best believe, I have my outfit ready…. My silk gauchos, silk tank top and some funky sandals….I’m going to savor the hell out of this day.

I was watching a television show, The Scholar, last night and was finally impressed with the reality show bit. Reality TV as narcissistic as it is … has been so gag-worthy popular, I have given up television. But in the Scholar, you have these kids who are battling for a full ride to a university of their choice. There is only one winner but there are $50M scholarships given away courtesy Wal-Mart after each individual challenge. There isn’t infighting or bickering and squabbling or manipulation or any of the dumb ass shit…. just kids are who do not want to burden their parents with the cost of their college education, to succeed in whatever profession they have chosen, to basically excel and learn even more in the process. I’m effing impressed.

Told yall I didn't have ish to talk about. :/

love 101

Woke up in another funky ass mood. Grant decided he didn’t want to sleep through the night and not should i since he is the center of my life....he woke me up with his 'dadadadadada' a quarter til 4 am when my behind didn’t have to be up until 6 am and I didn’t go to bed until 1 am. It is hard. Sometimes I need a straight break but there is no break in motherhood. You just roll with every punch and hope that you don't loose you damn mind in the process

So, I’m single again. I feel sought of relieved for many reasons. He lived too far. I live in the Bronx, him in Brooklyn and any one who knows or live in new york city knows that right there is far. Also, I was feeling guilty for not spending as much time as I could with Grant but in a relationship I wasn’t sure I wanted to be in from jump....and that didn't make any damn sense then nor now. And finally, dude has unresolved issues that should have been dealt with when he was 18. I have one child to raise not two. We are still friends and he still tries to holla even though I tell him his efforts are in vain. I didn’t learn a damn thing from this one….well, just that trust is a virtue that not everyone deserves and should be dispersed sparingly. I also learned that I have a tolerance level that could have only been adorned by God himself. He is my alpha and omega.

Sidenote: why are celebrities’ feet tore the hell up?

You know what music I really enjoyed and I haven’t found a chum in company…. Big Band. Now, that might surprise a few of you because,… well I really don’t know why, but I have loved Big Band since I first heard it played when I was a teeny weensy. (Leap Frog is one of my all time favorites). There is no other genre of music that makes me feel all kinds of emotions; melancholy, exuberance, sloth etc. like Big Band. Just wanted to give you all an insight into my world… we aren’t monolithic as a the masses would like to believe.

Sidenote: I just bought a pair of shoes (no, not jimmy choos but some nine west’s) the other day and was wondering why they look so damn cheap (no, not because they are cheap) I finally figured out why I feel they look so cheap… they remind me of them plastic rubber jelly sandals we use to wear back in the day that made our feet sweat holy water. and here I thought I then came up.

Dilemma

I have been in this funky mood all damn week. Just really stank. Like I would throw you mad shade if we were cool…. Just that damn funky. I’m thinking that I could be a number of other things but most likely it is my God given snotty attitude and it being so damn hot I peeped the devil drinking a Brisk. Anyway, my finances are looking shoddy and I haven’t a plan to get them back in order. I have hospital bills from both of my stays at the hospital along with Grant’s stay and them jokers seem to be taking on a life of its own everyday. I have been hoping (or maybe not) that my mom gets a permanent gig so I can get my finances in order. But despite it all, I love that my son is getting the second best rearing and caring that can be offered. Dilemma.

I have been tagged by ms. momma…. So here goes:


Total Number of Books Owned:
ummmm… wow. Probably close to 400 including text books as well.

Last book(s) I:
Bought: Angels and Demons – Dan Brown
Last book I read (leisure): Angels and Demons – Dan Brown
Current book I am reading: The Da Vin.ci Code – Dan Brown (I’m hooked)

Fiction or Non-Fiction:
autobiographies rock!

First book I read:
the first book I remember reading was a history book in the first grade. I still have that same book...it gave me George Washington Carver, the Wright Brothers and Harriet Tubman. I think this is exactly when I fell in love with biographies, reading and the art of story telling.

Most read book:
several… but off the top of my head… Steven King’s Desperation, Regulators, Rose Red and Rose Madder… great reads!

Largest Impact:Your Best Life Now – Joel Osteen

Favorite Scholarly Book: I don’t have one….

Sexiest Book: Addicted – Zane…. Boarderline freak nasty…

Biggest Disappointment: too many to mention

Five Books that Mean Something to me:
The Bible
Your Best Life Now – Joel Osteen
The Autobiography of Malcolm X – Alex Haley, Malcolm X
My American Journey, An Autobiography – Colin Powell, Joseph E. Persico
Lucky – Alice Sebold

tag! you're it! Ms.Thing, Muffin, Slow Metamorphosis

passing along...

edit post:

Check this out if you can not be there in person. strengths in numbers...

**

Well… I’m a parent for real now… like for real, for real. G mack diddy icious had his first (and if God is merciful, last) hospital stay last week. It was only one night, but he was sick for the whole week. Go figure it was my week of vacation. My little man is doing much better due to some albuterol and good ole-fashion attention. He is made from that great stuff….

On other fronts, I punched this dude in the face yesterday. I’m not proud but I am surprised. Surprised how much frustration I’m able to store before it explodes into out right physical violence. That is much ado about the events leading up to the punch but lets just say, if I was peanut n ‘em, I would be in my right for punching homeboy in the face. He knew he did me dirty and I expressed numerous times how I wanted to lump his ass up. Now, I have said this many times, I have a violent streak. As hidden and misjudged as it is, it is very alive and well. He asked me if I felt like punching him in his face would make me feel better and of course my natural response was 'yes'. He turned his face towards me and I punched him dead in his grill. I punched him harder than I thought I would...than he thought I would. I even saw him flinched as if to retaliate but he didn’t…. a good thing for both of our sakes… as gully as I think I am, I’m still haven’t recovered from birth to the point I am willing (note: i said willing, not able....BIG ass difference) to fight a 6’3 grown ass man. As for him, if he had hit me, I would’ve damn sure picked up a bat, a table leg or whatever within my reach that would inflict major physical damage. I am not to be fucked with. Am I sorry for punching him in his face? Nah. I do feel sorry for myself for allowing a mere mortal to get me THAT peeved that I would resort to physical violence… I’m not 16 any more, I needn’t have my integrity marginalized by fools who obviously chose, once again, ignore my gangsta.

I have been on the grind for about three months now looking for a new gig. THREE WHOLE MONTHS. I have had one interview…. One. Damn. Interview. I have made the deductions… the obvious conclusion…. something is wrong with my resume. I have edited the resume over and again and to me, it looks mighty fine. But then again, I would believe so because I have been looking at that damn thing for seven years believing so. I have decided to break down and enlist the help of a resume consultant and I’m willing to pay a buck to a buck fifty for the service. If I can purchase a Ipod, which I damn sure didn’t need (and I’m still trying to grasp the hype), I can put up a little less for something that is necessity at this point.

Unconditional love. Is it possible within a romantic relationship? That was one of the many topics discussed while I was eating my bagel on the way to work. Oh yeah, by the way, the conversation was with myself.

I have aspirations of marriage. no, it isn’t my sole goal… it really isn’t even a must but I think I would like the idea of a family waiting for me to cook dinner, help the kiddies with their biology project, assist my husband with his journal entries, enjoy family outings on the weekends, vacation for four… you know, shit like that. Sine qua non, what a marriage should incorporate. Now, before the thoughts of ‘well you can have that without being married’ resontae, I want to state that I've been there, done that, it ain’t for me. Just aint. Period. Even more so now. I have a child…. A child who I’m 100% responsible for. I’m not going to just live with someone all willy nilly risking the well being of my child and my physical freedom because if someone touch mine, I swear fo lawd… Funny how we value ourselves more when we add something on to it. A degree, a fancy car, a condo…. a child. Okay, maybe a child is different, but point is, we don’t value the principle until there is some return. Another been there, done that. I’m not insane therefore I do not do the same thing over again while expecting a different result….no more shacking! Aside from that, can I actually live with someone else in which I don’t really have to? I don’t have to live with Grant but there is something in the law called reckless endangerment of a minor. In addition, there is this unconditional love I have for him. Which bought me to the topic of contention, can we love unconditionally romantically? It is a question, actually…. The 19 voices that live within my head have yet to come to an agreement.